Sunday, September 26, 2010


I don't revisit my YouTube site often because it rakes up all these heinous memories. It seems my goal in life is to video all the memories meant only to hurt me. And SAVE them! For all eternity! Because every person should shoulder that kind of pain, ya? Because we're all damned, we're all just deserving of a cup's full of hurt.

I've forgotten what my job gave this man for free...wanna relive it? I just did, so why not you?

Part One

Part Two

Let's get one thing clear: Minus the hateful night of Izod con Jus, where I lost my FAVORITE Lacoste shirt to a spilt gravy mishap and underwent a night of soul killing judgement from the One and Truly in the City of Love, I would never take back a minute of the trip. What's amazing to consider is the fact that this ASSHOLE got a free trip to London on ME, and my COMPANY. I hope he remembers it fondly. No doubt, he remembers it as the period of his life when he invested SO MUCH in that smart girl who could be SO STUPID for a smart girl sometimes.

What is the waste of effort? Wishing guys like this didn't harbor such hate for anyone, everyone, and you. Because they do. What is this guy thinking most of the time? How you've disappointed him. Deeply. Fundamentally. Because no matter what you give, it is never enough.

What an amazing epiphany this is. If ONLY it could get through to me. Because this ghost still rides on my back, forever saying how stupid I can be for girl. Fucker.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Lost Treasures

It is amazing in this age of internets and availability all the things we once coveted so completely. I remember seeking high and low for the following two clips. I searched high and low. I bartered, I threatened, I stole. And here we are. I click a button and they are right here, easily accessible to any imbecile with a laptop. It makes me sick! I feel like Shelby's mom screaming WILL THEY EVERY KNOW!! They won't. They will never know.

In this age of whenever, whatever it is hard to remember what it was like to burn for something. To really, really knock the living shit out our yourself to procure something sweet and perfect. In high school I spent a SICK amount of time searching for the VHS of Sixteen Candles. At the time, it was something like $80 dollars. Can you conceive of such a thing?

NO. You cannot. Because you are a beeb. You have no sense of the darktimes. How could you ever know what we endured???

Finally, the beauty: I Need to Know, covered by Stevie Nicks, and Come Up and See Me, covered by Duran Duran. Let me lay out the latter experience for you...1983, before my best friend Lisa was absconded to Venezuela for NO REASON at all...watching this concert special on Mtv, but before that walking to Knolla's Pizza on Ridge Blvd and ordering two small cokes and one medium pepperoni pizza. Walking back to Lisa's apartment full of pizza and youthful alight with oxygen and fresh cells. Can I just say, enjoy this easy life, assholes. We came by it the hard way, seeking, bartering, threatening...and now, my childhood, in a YouTube glance...


Now you know my weakness. I will watch any shit movie he's in. Because...omnomnom.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Clarification: Bill O'Reilly

He's a tool.

Just to be clear. He is a TOOL.

But the FUCK IT! WE'LL DO IT LIVE! remix speaks to me. In a big, big way. I don't talk about work here (because I am not looking to get fired, hello) but in case anyone ever questions why the "About Me" includes the clip of Bill O'Reilly, this is entirely and completely work related. Because lately this is my mantra, my religion, my FIST to the collective faces. So much has gone so wrong so fast that I've hardly had time to think about it. And, because of my reputation for excellence, I've been expected to live up to a completely unfair level of perfection. So, in the moments of complete breakdown, when my outside face is stone cold unshakable, my inside is screaming


And that is the story of my right here and now. I curtsy and spit on your shoe. The end.


Clearly, I love otters. I also love badgers (see right, Badgers!) but THIS is just getting redonk. I mean, badgers and otters living together?? It is madness! And beyond insanely cute! And I am not the only one...apparently I am not the only one under the spell of the badgersbadgersmushroommushroom spell. Look at all the YouTube explosions of the same vein of crazy.

Are we unhinged? Are we sick? Are we...cylons? Maybe. Maybe. I'd love to understand how so many people love this weird little clip so dearly. It doesn't make sense. Even as I watch it I think...why am I watching this? Why? It makes. No. Sense. Yet the love and devotion is extreme.

Any theories are welcome. I mean, badgers are cute, but so are kittens, puppies, and fat, rolly babies. WTF? Really?

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Tuesday, September 14, 2010

M Night Shamalamadingdong

Sexaaaayy? Jeebusaaaay?

LOOK. I've wanted to say that for so long, and so I have, so DEAL. This poor, poor asshat. He started off with such a great movie (the Sixth Sense), but he's jacked himself so thoroughly now that it is hard to respect him at all. I've just watched The Village again and I have to say, it is still a creepy freakshow even if you know the trick at the end. He CAN do it; he's capable.

Sidenote about The Village: I saw this in the theater and totally FREAKED OUT. The creatures were awesome...the spooky claws! UGH. The theaters were filled with screams! I really did enjoy it.

M Night's problem is himself. Someone in the room takes himself waaaaay too seriously. Sometimes he pulls it back enough to endure: Unbreakable only had a small cameo, same with The Village. Great! But M Night is a frustrated actor. Worse, he is a frustrated Jesus. He doesn't want to just be the writer, director, cinematographer, best boy, whathaveyou. NO. He wants to be the Pivotal Character. Worseworse? He wants to be the everlovin Jeebus.

Terrible Mistake 1? Signs. Good fun! Aliens! Coming to get you! Wheee! So why does he have to be the Conflicted Guy Who Kilt the Girl Who Tells the Secret of the Story? Why? Why M Night? He's desperate to play a Major Character with Dramatic Monologues. So, he did it. Llllllame.

Terrible Most Egregious Mistake 2? God, have you seen Lady in the Water? When you see it, you feel so sorry for everyone involved. There are some great ideas there, sure. But it's ham handed, for one. And let's get serious, the most horrid part is the fact that he assigned the part of the MLK JFK Jeebus Character to himself. The One Who Saves Humanity with His Words. Frustrated writer, anyone? As a former writer, I was deeply humiliated on behalf of Shamalamadingdong. Seriously, dude. Tell the truth: You think you are the writer who saves humanity, right? In real life? Ugh. Shame shame shame.

It makes me sad for him, honestly, because he's obviously talented. (PS. Not everything has to have a twist, fool.) It is too bad his blowhard ego had to overshadow his sense of vision. And, no. I will never see the Airbender of Excellence movie...whatever it is called...anymore than I'm watching that extremely soaring, highly silly Owl Hero movie. I LOVE OWLS. But the radiant grandeur is just as easy to swallow as M Night's Aw Shucks Am I the Savior two step. Shhhaaaame.

Thursday, September 09, 2010


I've decided that otters are the end all be all cutest mammal on earth. Watch, scream, and enjoy.

Sunday, September 05, 2010

Wham! Bam! & People of Walmart

Look, I'm going to NOT LIE and confess that this song pops up in my life soundtrack more than humanly justifiable...I don't know whyyyy. I only know that it does. Maybe it speaks to some "Enjoy watcha DO" part of my psyche that craves acceptance and congratulations. Because I do deserve both acceptance AND congratulations (so overdue!) but I digress...

Having perused the latest offerings from People of Walmart, it blasted straight into my psyche and all I could think was: WHY have I not posted this before??? Because A.) I am old so it was only a matter of time and B.) how much do you love George Michael I MEAN COME ON PEOPLE. I say for this video alone he gets a lifetime pass on being hiiiigh and passing out in cars. Come. On. Wham!