Friday, April 27, 2007

Chickens O' Plenty

My boyfriend actually listened to my ranting and raving about finally finding the Chicken of Destiny. It is Simply Incredible. He remembered that it was Fitz & Floyd and, more importantly, he remembered that it was chickens, glorious chickens, that got me wild with happiness (wild!). So, look what he did:

Salt and Pepper shakers...

Salt and pepper shakers detail (peep!)...

Napkin holder...

Napkin holder (back)...

This is a different line by Fitz & Floyd. Isn't it FABULOUS???
I love my new chickens!!!!

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Chickens of Kauai

On my honeymoon (o fate, cruel fate, yon memory doth haunt me so), I guess our honeymoon, we visited the lovely island of Kauai. This is one of the Hawaiian islands where they are currently shooting Lost, one of my favorite programs no matter what people say. (Ed: Calm down, you manic monkeys with your short attention spans and lack of imagination. It is a story. Let them tell it.) It is also where I spent some time bonding with roosters for the first time, ever.

Side Note #1: Yes, it is surely is funny that I bonded with cocks on my honeymoon. Ha ha, very funny. Shut up.
Side Note #2: This entry will be riddled with asides as I am a wee bit drugged and therefore incapable of following a linear somethingorother.
Side Note #3: I like chickens. I mentioned that.

We went to this "famous" burger stand out in the middle of nowhere called Ono Char Burgers (see picture, resplendent with chickens).

Side Note # 4: Technically, most of Kauai is "out in the middle of nowhere" -- the biggest town is not all that big, although it does have a Barnes and Noble which I hear is the first rule of cityhood. It is nice that it has that spread out feel -- very rural, city, rural, city. And you drive with the top down because, hey, it's frickin' heaven.
Side Note #5: I love charred meat. Carbon is both cancerous and tasty.

We got our burgers and fries and took a seat at a picnic table just next to the stand...and smack dab in the middle of a gaggle of chickens. Herd of chickens? (One moment, checking internet.) FLOCK of chickens. Duh. Anyway, as we ate, the roosters began closing in. You know how they have that weird little sideways strut. And they're always giving you the stink eye, with their little heads nodding back and forth so that they can look at you with one eye and then look at you with the other. This little booger (pictured below) got up on the table and challenged me to a stare down. His eyes said, "Give me a fry." So I gave him a fry.

It was awesome.

Side note #&/: Roosters, while very small, are nonetheless quite intimidating. Watch Jurassic Park again. If you put a cockscomb on a velociraptor you would never be able to tell the two apart in a line up.
Side note 8: How cool would that line up be?

Our Ono char burger experience probably solidified my adoration of all things chicken. I did not try to give him a cuddle, by the way. Chickens must be surprised into keesses and snuggles, and it usually ends in tears and band aids. Love!

Friday, April 13, 2007

When Chickens Ruled the Earth

He wants keeses.

I love this story.

It proves that Chickens are awesome and mighty. Though it also shows that they've never been strong in the wing department. Little flappy arms = little flappy wings (hot wings! mmm) but look at the legs! I wonder what TRex tastes like?

Big Chicken, I bet.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

More Secrets

Choose my author photo for my new book entitled You Are Already Happy But You Refuse to Embrace Joy Because You Think That Makes You Cool.
As the Highlander once said, "There can be only one." I know, it sucks. But choose.

The first one is more authoritative, I think. And, yes, that is a pewter dragon necklace. Yes, the dragon is holding a rhinestone.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

The Secret

Who is this bitch and what is his secret?

What are the odds that I could make a meeellion dollars selling my theories on the key to having a great life? I already have some -isms.

Think happy, be happy.
Dream big, love bigger.
Chew with your mouth closed you fucking chum bucket.
Find the good in the good for the good is just and justice is for all save none.
You are just a day away from excellence.
Touch it. Go ahead, touch it.
Rewarding yourself is the greatest reward.
Stop, drop, and rock and roll.
Your inner strength fills the world with esteem.
Bind your heart to good works and good works will truly uplift you to a higher floor.
God is good, Satan likes to party.
If you build it, He will break it.
Come on, kiss the gun.
The heart of a kitten is pure. Keep one with you always.
I like gum.
In goodness there is light and in the light of the love of the world you shall find peace.
Be nice and the world smells gooder.
Be good and the world smiles upon you.

What else? I only stole one of those (thank you, Appollonia 6) and the rest were a *snap* -- bring on the moneytrain, suckas!

Monday, April 09, 2007

I find it suspect...

...that I received not one chicken for Easter. Not a chick, nor a chicken...but one egg, filled with peanut butter cups. I also received a LOT of socks which is only a little less awesome than receiving a LOT of candles.

I drank red wine and had a baby shoved in my arms to see if I was mother material. The jury seemed dismayed and/or self-satisfied. WhatEVER shall I do now?

I would make a splendid mommy to a baby Pomeranian. Of this I am 75% sure. I would buy it a stroller, a bobber, and squeaky toy. I would give it a cool name like Plentiful Canyon or Taco and it would worship the ground I walk two feet above.

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Trickster Coyote

This morning the news delighted in showing video of a wild coyote that somehow found its way into a busy Chicago Quizno's during the lunch rush. The patrons said he came in through front door and proceeded to make himself comfortable in the open beverage cooler. When they realized this was not just any dog, people made haste for the exit, but plenty hung around outside taking pictures, calling friends (and the local news, obviously), and just generally gaping in at the wonder of it. A coyote in the Quizno's. Can you imagine?

The coyote looked tired but wary enough to keep both eyes on all the gawkers. He just sat there, stone faced, I suppose until animal control came to take him away. They say his leg was hurt but that he should be fine and will be released into a nature preserve today. Aside from wondering how the hell he got there, my heart went out to he was, trapped in a Quizno's with eyes and flashes all around him and his only comfort was the refrigeration of the cooler meant for Coke and Gatorade and apparently now...Coyote.

It's weird to see such a thing because I am reading one of my all-time favorite books again, Green Grass, Running Water, by Thomas King. I would recommend it to anyone with an interest in Native American fiction, mythology, and damned good writing. He's phenomenal. I first read it in one of the best literature classes I ever took: Native American Literature, if you could guess.

Other books you should consider: Fool's Crow by James Welch, Love Medicine and Tracks by Louise Erdrich, and Saánii Dahataal and blue horses rush in by Luci Tapahonso. Amazing reading. Native American cultures are as similar as they are different, with some mythologies crisscrossing across tribes and time. What you will find in the novels, stories, and poetry is a rich slice of history and humor that is nothing short of staggering. I do not overstate. Read them.

And watch out for the Trickster a Quizno's cooler near you!

Monday, April 02, 2007

Smoking Update

Still not smoking after One Full Month! Woo Hoo! And no cheating, either. The negatives and positives...


1. Smoker's Cough is pretty much gone. No more persistent hack-hack-hack...just the normal hairball from time to time, like everybody else.
2. Apartment smells nice. Clothes smell nice. I smell nice.
3. Spending money on Nicorette is far less shameful than spending money on cigarettes.
4. Tommy's cigarette smoke smells more and more like burnt ass every day. Not even remotely appealing.
5. I dream a lot more. Odd, that one. Lot's of vivid dreams full of fun...and some really boring ones, too, which means I need to get out and do more or I am just generally very boring.


1. As the body feels better, the mind forgets the discomfort caused by smoking so right now I am in the Severe Mental Craving stage. It's not Tommy's smoking that gets to is the memory of the sweet, sweet Marlboro. Thank God for spicy gum.
2. My jaw hurts. Chew, chew, chew, that's all I do.
3. I could clean my plate and yours, too.
4. No calming balm for the RAGE. First real test was on my one month anniversary, last Thursday, about 6:30 p.m., Bay Ridge, Brooklyn. Let me just simplify: New York generally has HORRIBLE customer service (drug store, grocery store, clothing store, stupid bitch store, what have you), I chose last Thursday to speak up about it and, as I could have predicted, the snotty little brat "serving" me snapped back. Manager involvement further escalated the situation (hello, chicken shit, scheduling a bunch of gum-smacking, know-it-all teenagers is NOT your entire job) and needless to say I walked home steaming mad and thirsty for blood. Sadly, I also desperately wanted to smoke--CHAIN SMOKE--until the bad-bad feelings of murder subsided.


I didn't smoke. I win, bitches!