Thursday, February 28, 2008

It Really is Very...Awesome

My girl Adairdevil knows me. I heart.

Friday, February 22, 2008

The King of Kong

I love Netflix! My latest recommendation is The King of Kong. Yes, it is a real geek fest . . . and their King is some kind of Kenny Loggins '85 clone--the HAIR is something to BEHOLD--but there's also this very normal guy stepping up to challenge the Geek Kong God in all his Flowing Hair glory. You would think that a documentary about two guys battling over the top Donkey Kong score would be, at best, boringly weird, but hold your critique and give it a shot.

First, you can't dream up this cast of characters. There's Billy Mitchell, his perfectly blown-out hair only distracting for a moment before his mouth opens and a never ending collection of extremely confident musings, utterances, and declarations of his complete and undefeatable supremacy flow freely.

Then there's the Straight Out of Time cast of game geeks, most of which display all the classic tics of social malfunction and blustery overconfidence that you've seen in every arcade in Anytown USA. These were the kids fixed to their Commodore 64s all those years ago . . . now they're balding, wrinkly, with grays growing freely (not Billy tho! Not that magnificent Bob Segar mane!) but they remain devoted to the game, the classic arcade games of the Glory Days.

The odd man out, so to speak, is plain old Steve Wiebe, the interloper, the challenger to the Geek God Billy, who dares to rise from nowhere to break the Donkey Kong record. His name, pronounced "wee bee" is repeatedly mispronounced "weeb" . . . on purpose? An ironic slip? In a room full of dweebs, Steve Wiebe is maddeningly ordinary: mid-30s, married, two kids, lives in the suburbs, played baseball and basketball in high school, etc. etc. Except he has this funny thing about him, these magical hands. They make him a good ball player, an amazing drummer, and a true master of Donkey Kong. Even better than that, he's a genuinely good guy. His low key, easy going, simple manner makes him a compelling and heartfelt hero. I said it. Hero!

It is absolutely captivating to watch these two circle each other in their own, strange little Cobra strike, kung fu, windmilling DK cage match. Even if you don't love the game (I like it for about 3 minutes, after which I've died exactly 15 times, and then I hate it hate it and throw the controller), you'll love the gamers and their kooky arcade world.

“I wanted to be a hero. I wanted to be the center of attention. I wanted the glory, I wanted the fame. I wanted the pretty girls to come up and say, ‘Hi, I see that you're good at Centipede.’”--Walter Day, The King of Kong

Thursday, February 21, 2008

The Onion is Awesome

Click Here to see why I love it so.

Can you imagine what it is like to sit around and think of this stuff all day? Sweet Jesus on High. What a life!

Monday, February 18, 2008

A Series in Terror, Part Three

What could harmless little Devo ever do to anyone? They were some sick ass bastards, for one. Lots of spanking going on in them there videos. But this one scared me because of an afternoon whim of boredom fed by wine and No Doz. And watching the godforsaken Mtv. It wasn’t the clown—which I did not like, don’t be confused—but the devil faces saying HA HA HA HA. And so on. What do you get when you cross wine, No Doz, and Devo? Hallucination a go-go.

A Series in Terror, Part Two

This woman is part of what formed my opinion of New York City. That and “Fort Apache, The Bronx.” Is it any wonder I couldn’t stop congratulating myself when I moved here?

We would make fun of her as idiot infants will, but there was no denying how scared we were of that loony Nina Hagen. She strikes me as kind of awesome now. What a grand and breathtaking nutcase.

A Series in Terror, Part One

When I was a youthster, many moons and millennia ago, I watched way too much Mtv. Being a sensitive little lamb, I was kind of vulnerable to influence. I still remember the three videos that freaked me out then and, admittedly, still get under my skin today. I know. Ba ba baby, boo hoo. May they freak you out, as well.

This one is obvious. The percussion is awesome and I actually kind of like the song...until you get to the “ha ha, ha ha…oh.” And then you feel that dead fingernail trailing up your spine. Shake it off!

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

10 more weird things

Current mood: Querulous

Here's how you play: Once you have been tagged, you have to write a blog with 10 weird or random things about yourself: facts, habits, or goals. At the end, choose 10 people to be tagged, and list their names and why you chose them. Don't forget to leave them a comment (like "You're It!") and a note to read your blog. You can't tag the person who tagged you! Since you can't tag me back, let me know when you've posted your blog so I can see your answers!

I was tagged by Liesl

1. When I was little, I had very deep conversations with my hands. The left and right hands had distinctive personalities and opinions. When I put the hands together to form a sort of mouth I called it “God.” One time God told me to run away from home. I packed my bag but then dinner was ready.

2. When I was little I had to go to the hospital for head injuries. I liked standing up under things.

3. According to family lore, on a trip to the hospital (or doctor?) when I was very small a man opened the door to the car to steal my mom’s purse but grabbed my leg instead. He took off when I screamed.

4. I like Coffeemate or half-n-half in my coffee. I hate milk in my coffee.

5. I shaved Vanilla Ice stripes into my hair in college.

6. My first car was a banana yellow ’79 LTD.

7. I’ve published two poems and one short story.

8. I received one fan letter on account of that short story. From a prisoner. In prison. He sent me a poem in which he detailed how he thought of my story and stroked himself to sleep.

9. I would love to live somewhere in or near the redwoods in Northern California.

10. The first album I remember receiving as a gift was “Destroyer” by Kiss. I wanted it for “Beth,” so the first song on side 1, “Detroit Rock City,” scared the living shit out of me. I adapted and eventually cut out the pictures of the band on the album cover to use as paper dolls. I was five.

In code, yer tagged little monkeys:

Willard Scott
Tony Mascarpone
Bryan Bo Buyin


Tuesday, February 05, 2008

Shiny, Shiny Lip Gloss

OK, so over Christmas break I incessantly harassed my mother, sister, best friend, and anyone else within listening distance because I couldn't remember what kind of lip gloss I coveted back in 1978. This is important shit, yo. People need to snap to attention.

My query sounded something like: "What was that really popular lip gloss that all the girls wore back in the late 70s, early 80s? It was bubblegum or something?" The answer, of course, was Bonne Bell Lip Smackers, available in many disgusting flavors. There was even a Dr. Pepper one, remember? Vile.

My head would not accept it. Yes, that was a popular brand...but not what I was thinking. Why couldn't these people just pry it out of my head? Were we all hopelessly senile already? Dag gummit.

So, today, since it is Tuesday--SUPER Tuesday, if you will--I went for a lunchtime hunt on the internet. I perused the advice columns ("I'm PREGNANT with my pastor's BABY whatever shall I DO?"), read some "weird news" ("Woman Arrested after Crowbar Falls from Pants"), breezed past the election buzz, hopped onto Wikipedia in hopes it could tell me WTF is a "widget" and how do I get one, tried to find pictures of vintage Halston fashion, which took me down a path that finally brought me to the answer I'd been searching for all these long months. SEE PICTURE.

I would never have figured out the name, not in a million years. Maybelline kissing potion, available in many sticky-sweet flavors, including Bubble Gum. Now do you remember?