Sunday, July 25, 2010

Take My Hand, We'll Make It I Swear

On the eve of my 20th high school reunion, I honor both the reality and the legend that was, and wasn’t, when I was but a wee peep living on a prayer back in the late 80s and 1990. First, here’s the general skinny on the SCHOOL. In all of Wichita, no school can claim such a BADASS architectural awesomeness. All other Wichita High Schools tremble in terror, just trying to live up to the art deco craziness that is North.

When I was but a wee beeb, acting out the movie Xanadu in my babysitter’s living room, I dreamed of someday attending North. My legendary babysitter Debbie went there, along with her too cool for school friend, Tony, and her boyfriend, the aptly named Darren (or Daryl?) who was always at her side, showing up at Minisa pool or even crawling through her window late at night for some hot and heavy make out sessions. I can attest to this, since I pretended to be asleep, all the while listening to the soft tunes of 107.3, Air Supply, Styx, and Bette Midler (with, perhaps, the saddest song I’ve ever heard, even to this day). I also overheard awesome stories of high school initiations down by the river, by fire, whipped cream, shame. I was dying to live it.

By the time I got there, initiations were over. It was total squaresville. The worst part was starting school as the half breed Freshmen, since ours was the only school that fed into North, so we were wee, tiny, and fully disrespected. Our class was tiny compared to the rest since the rest of the junior high kids wouldn’t join us until Sophomore year. It was balls, balls, and more balls.

Later as our class grew I adopted new friends, learned new levels of angst, and loved high school all the more. My friends, known by some of the underclassmen as the I.Q. Crew, were unbearably brainy, nerdy, and altogether out of their minds ready for unadulterated sin. Luckily (or terribly?) we had places to go, drink, and be stupid. I forged undying friendships in this period that last to this day. We spent so many precious hours down by the riverrrrrr. My ultimate glee is attending this upcoming reunion with them.

I am also, ultimately, grateful for Facebook and its unintended exposure of goodness that has rocked my world and learnt me a thing or two in the past months. I’ve learned that the HS cheerleader who I knew back in Brownie days turned out to be a righteously hilarious grownup that I’m glad to know. I’ve seen friends find their true selves and grow happier in the process. I’ve seen other friends grow up, get married, and have some of the greatest kids ever to walk (or cartwheel) this earth.

I feel really lucky to see everyone again. Because in our tiny, tiny world, it is quite a thing to grow up, grow out, and learn in the process to value the people you spent those urgent, fraught, utterly wild years with. But never so much as to not enjoy a good paddling.

Friday, July 23, 2010

It's Nice to Know...

...I'm not the only one that has massive amounts of passive-aggressive hate for grown-ass people who have not been potty-trained. Gas stations? Restaurants? Shopping malls? Whatever! I'm talking about a bona fide office situation here. When I worked custodial as a teen, I was horrified to find what kids would wipe on the walls...horrified at the actions of PRETEENS. Who knew it was something to cherish for a lifetime? Things I have seen/heard:

--piss on floors, toilet seat, walls.
--shit on toilet seat and walls.
--menstrual situations on toilet seat, floor, and walls.
--countless incidents of excreting without washing.

Really? REALLY? This isn't an inability to handle oneself on account of a nerve disability. Maybe some of it, but not all of it. The rest? Pure. Uncaged. Crazy.

The best game in the world is eyeballing your coworkers trying to figure out which one is a closeted psychotic.

Things I haven't seen first hand but were reported by trusted co-workers:

--a complete diarrheal blowout covering walls and toilet.
--a neat pile of clipped pubes on the stall floor.

I haven't seen boogers yet, but surely it will occur to someone to aspire to that eventually.


Sunday, July 18, 2010

Wendy? Darling?

Light of my life? Give me the bat.

UG. Being a life long Stephen King fan (well, if life begins at 12, when I first stumbled into my most beloved writer's work, The Shining, being my first "big girl" book, and being a time in my life that was definitely ripe for influence and permanent stamping of lifelong love) I am often confronted with the film adaptation of The Shining, and, to get to the point of it: how do I not adore the movie with wild abandon? Why...WHY am I such an evil bitch? Well. Two reasons: It doesn't follow the book; Wendy is not supposed to be an ugly wimp. What, no girl power??? WHAT, I am NOT, in fact, a SUPPORTER of all women??? (despite the fact that some deserve no support at all?)

Yes. That is me. Label me an Asshole. Whatever. I do not care. Because A.) parts of the movie do not even make sense without the book (dog costume man giving supposed head to 20s dapper man), and B.) most importantly, Wendy is NOT supposed to be some weak willed idiot wailing and flailing at Jack like some helpless half wit. King's tendency to make his women Lil' Helpless Squealers does not escape his heroine, don't get me wrong, but there are two crucial deviations from book to movie: First, Wendy is supposed to be attractive. I know it is superficial, but it is one of those things that, when you first notice it you think: What, they couldn't spring for someone with a pretty face? Too expensive? It doesn't help to learn that Kubrick mentally tortured Shelly Duvall during the filming of this movie...almost as if he knew she was completely wrong for the part and decided to punish her for it. (Side Note: I blame the casting director, James Liggat, who obviously had his head in a bucket of bourbon.)

And, second, Wendy fights like HELL on the stairs in the book. It is, in fact, a whole different scenario on the stairs. He surprises her, she fights like a demon. It is bloody and horrible, but she wins...not because she "luckily" smacks him with a bat (see below) but because she knows the stakes and beats the living shit out of him despite the injuries he subjects upon her in the process.

SO, what is my favorite part of The Shining, the movie? Well, it might be too easy to guess.

My only happy ending, of course, would have been the moment when Jack actually DID bash that idiot Olive Oyl's head in. Oh well. Maybe dreams come true in the sequel.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

I Like Turtles

I love them because they are so weird, kind of mean, and totally the cutiest booties ever.

Tortoise Gets Satisfaction

This is how it starts. You watch a video linked on CuteOverload and forget about it. Then, out of nowhere, always at work, the song weasels into your head and suddenly you can’t run estimates, check proofs, complete purchase orders…you can only rerun this video in your head over and over. There’s no snapping out of it, friends.

Let the turtlecentric post begin!

Mr. Pokeylope

One of my favorite games features a menagerie of weirdo characters, the most compelling of all being Mr. Pokeylope. Enjoy.

You don’t actually get to play him. You just get to lure him with cake and levitate him out of his cage. Llllllame.

Om Nom Nom Nom

CuteOverload ruins my life. Look at heeeeeeeeeeem (or herrrrrrrrrrr). OMG OMG. The original post is actually a million times cuter with captions.

Now, Noms in Motion

The very definition of “ehn!”

I Like Turtles

I know. Weird. But today was totally turtle-y and this post could not be repressed. Yay to compulsions!!

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Let's Stay Together, Baybay

You know how I feel about you, don't you?

Passive Aggressive Notes

My new favorite website. I would totally be on here if I had more guts. Because I’ve been tempted, oh so many times, to leave hate-notes in the infamous 3rd floor bathroom, inspired so thoroughly by the infamous “dirty, dirty bitches.” Anyone who thinks of women are inherently “delicate” should know that there are far too many of them with the bathroom habits of feral cats with diarrhea. Enjoy the visual…and contemplate, for one moment, the smell of “feral.” It’s what’s known around these parts as “Number 3.” Too horrific to describe. Isn’t “feral” enough?

Mel Gibson Is a Prick (Shock!!)

I can’t WAIT for the Oprah interview…especially the part where he explains that when he said “n****rs” he didn’t mean her. It should be awesome. If this isn’t him, then they’ve found an amazing voice impressionist.

Hot Nerdzzzzz

I happened upon Lopez Tonight last night and was digging on the fact that uber nerd Sharlto Copely from District 9 is actually FREAKING HOT AS HELL. Watch the clip, it is totally charming. I actually want to see this movie quite a bit, not because I loved the TV show (I did), but it looks like a whole lot of fantastical fun. I will end up Netflixing it, most likely, unless it is still in theaters in late July when I’m visiting home (whadayasay, Moms?).


People are making fun of this guy, but this video seriously makes me happy. Yes, I am laughing…but goddamn if this guy isn’t the most uplifted cat in Yosemite, yo? We all guess he might be on shrooms, sure, but imagine if this guy was feeling this shit straight up?? That means he is one spiritual motherclucker, and we should all be so lucky to be so everloving joyous. It’s a double rainbow all the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!!!

Work sux

If I seem unusually pissy lately, just give me a pass, man, will ya? Because I’ve had some nasty surprises at work—some of the worst I’ve had thus far—and you should really just cut me some slack. I will try not to take it out on you, Scooter, but I’m letting you know you should Stand Warned, because the epic Shit has hit the epic Fan, and I simply have no time to gently deal with your wee sweet feelings. M’kay?

I Loves You My Precious, Nom Nom Nom

This video has been on the intertubes forever, but I ran across it today (as is the way with YouTube, you just keep clicking the related videos until you are trembling, jobless, and weeping weeks later) and had to embed it here. Because this video is about Me and You. I am the goggie, you are the kitty. We love each other, and I seem so consistent and stable for so long, then bam, I’m snapping and growling like a foo and you are all taken aback and frozen in terror. But remembers! I still love you. I’m just…having a moment.

Finally, for Anyone Out There Considering Any Kind of Plastic Surgery or Treatment

This shit is marketed as an easy fix, no repercussions kind of treatment, so believe me when I tell you: It Is NOT. For scores, I’m sure it is just fine…but that is not true for everyone. If you think about it, you can imagine just how devastating this procedure could be. You could destroy your face.

Friday, July 02, 2010

Yo Mama

An old work pal posted this video on Facebook, which I loved but chose not to repost because of the churchy folks that would have undoubtedly been offended. I have my reasons for not wanting to draw any more ire from that particular social networking site since I recently inadvertently pissed someone off with a status update that had nothing to do with anyone but myself. I was both upset and angry to get called out for something I didn't do, but it was also a perfect lesson in the tricky world of social networking sites. I think I'm just going to leave my status blank for awhile so no one else gets the wrong impression.

Which leads me to the video! The two events, I might add, are mutually exclusive. I saw this post on the same day I got the message of anger -- neither has anything to do with the other. The posting of the video is not DIRECTED at anyone: I just think it's funny. I'm allowed to think it's funny. I'm allowed to have thoughts and make comments without someone taking it personally--for no reason--and making me feel bad for saying what's on my mind. Also, if you don't like cursing or meanness, maybe you should skip this video. You won't be able to handle it.

YAY, don't you feel aggressive now? I certainly do. And, for the record, my favorite burn is one I heard when I was in second grade, when we were all trading our favorite dirtyswears with each other in Willis' class. Ready? (Stop reading if cursing upsets you!)


*Love*! I can't find the origin but it is in the Urban Dictionary as "a really big insult." Gee, ya think?