Monday, February 28, 2011

Oscars, 2011

There was a fair amount of hollering in the Twitterverse, Facebook updates, and blogosphere declaring that this was the worst Oscar broadcast ever. Being a dedicated Oscar viewer I have to say it was pretty standard; no better and no worse than any Oscar broadcast I've ever seen. Sure, there were few tears...but the saturation of awards preceding this holiest of holies is probably to blame for that. It was just as incoherent, stilted, and Oscar-y as any other broadcast we've seen. Maybe the expectations were higher because...Anne Hathaway and James Franco were hosting and therefore it was about the Youth? Oh, honeys. Come on. It was SOP, babes. No better, no worse.

Top 5 Lame Things from the Oscars

Melissa Leo, for the most over-the-top, fake, insulting reaction to a win as we haven't seen in many years. The F bomb was the only sufferable part. The rest was irritating. What's most confounding about her reaction and speech is not as much the fakery but the fact that this woman is actually a really talented actress. I guess she's more Hollywood, less Broadway.

The word "craft." Aka "Actiiiiiinnggg!" and other movie-related jobs. It's uppity and overcompensating. Not everyone can be an actor...but you can't build me a shed, either. One of these skills is more impressive. Our craft, the craft...o holy craft. The repetition of the word just made me think of that dumb movie, candlewax, and seances. I would respect your CRAFT a lot more if you weren't constantly defending it. You make a zillion dollars and live in shiny homes. Shut. Up.

Anne Hathaway yelling "wooooo!" for every performer, presenter, cut to commercials. It was like she was trying to rally the audience to get more excited about a 6th grade talent show. Which would have been more exciting. I did feel sorry for her, though, because she was dragging that dead piece of pretty meat through the whole thing. Don't deny you didn't share my own theory: he wants to do everything in life, so he said yes to this, too. Film Actor, college student, PhDs, General Hospital actor...Oscar host. Of course he said yes.

No surprises. Nah, not really. The winners were pretty well predicted prior to the show, so that made it especially boring. Melissa Leo was the only wild card and only because of her embarrassing ads in the Trades for votes. Even so, she was a favorite. So, no shockers. Honestly the worst win for me was The Social Network for best score...and I totally respected that score, don't get me wrong. I just wanted the dragon movie to win one. It deserved something.

Old gents with canes. I liked the old gents, but why is Oscar trying to kill grampa?? Where were their helpers??? Ugh. I had the terror sweats the whole time, thinking one of them would teeter over and shatter into a million pieces.

Top 5 Neato Burrito Things from the Oscars

"That's gross." Of all the things Cate Blanchett has done, this is the thing that makes me love her the most. Because it is true, funny, but also awesome. It's kind of the point of the award.

The clever speeches. David Seidler (another of the old gents) gave a great speech for best original screenplay for The King's Speech, as did Aaron Sorkin for best adapted screenplay for The Social Network. I thoroughly enjoyed the moment when Christian Bale forgot his wife's name. At least he remembered "wife" and "child."

I like it when they put themselves in the nominated movies at the beginning of the show. I just don't understand the Back to the Future finale. Am I not privy to some major remake news? Because they shouldn't, ever.

Celine singing "Smile" to the dead (except Corey Haim, which obviously means he's not dead). It was very cheesy and therefore very retro and NOT YOUNG. Which is what they kept joking about, and I think in a very sarcastic way because, come ON, the Oscars are always a bit stodgy and pent up. Were all of the pre-Oscar talking heads yapping about the show being younged-up because of Hathaway and Franco (whatevs) or was it just because The Social Network was nominated? Seriously? Nothing was younged up. It was the same stilted speeches, music playing them out, presenters reading jokes off the teleprompter, and montages no one cares about. The one thing missing, thank God...

Very little singing and dancing. I generally despise the song and dance parts of the the show. It seemed they scaled it back pretty well.

Sandra Bullock. We love her because of The Net. Also, Hope Floats. Also, Practical Magic. Whatever else she's done is just the cherry on top. What makes us love her is how very "whatever" she is about the pomp and circumstance. She seems like a person we'd like to know in real life (unlike Melissa Leo, who should continue to act, but can sit over there at the bar, thanks). I liked how she called out each actor like she maybe wanted to push them a little. Because we all kind of do, especially Jesse Eisenberg who looked like we were keeping him from a hot night of Call of Duty. Hearts doubled, girl. We love you best!


Sunday, February 27, 2011


Saturday, February 19, 2011

G String Divas

So, it is on HBO, pimpcentral for all things debaucherous. YAY. I won't lie. I watch the worst of the worst nonporns they have to offer. Oft times, my favorite game is grading the films on which ones fake the sex the when you can tell the guy is grinding on the bellybutton? Just to clarify for all the virgins: That's not where it goes. Uh OH!

So, watching the G String Divas made me think: What, exactly, is my problem? Do I hate strippers? No. I know at least one reformed stripper, and I love her to death. To death! There's nothing to hate about strippers. For the most part, they are working hard for the money. Do not doubt. They do NOT want to steal you flabby ass man. No! They want his fives. Yes ma'am.

So what bothers me about strip clubs? After tonight? Nothing. Because I finally, finally got it!

Life is about choice. I choose to not be with a man who thinks strip clubs are normal or expected. Is that wrong? NO. Because all men are free to choose to be with women who ARE Ok with it. And I am OK with that.

So, what if I found myself mid-relationship with someone who said, hey, baby, it is just a release...I always come home to you? Easy. The answer is NO. And, probably, bye bye. Because I've lived too much time in the midst of liars, and I know the game of oh baby I love you and only you. Etc. Borrrring.

This is a wonderful thing! If you want to have hot times with strippers go for it! YES! Just don't try to date me, too. What is the big deal? We all choose our partners based on certain rules: disease free, hairy (or hairless), smart (or not as smart as me), thin, chunky, funny, serious, religious, heathen, wild, conservative, truthful, flawed. I choose flawed, hair-optional, funny, self-deprecating, body-open, and not addicted or even interested in strip clubs. Unfair? Don't care.

Saturday, February 05, 2011

Magical Negro

I proofed and input Magistrale's Hollywood's Stephen King, and I read, proofed, and input The Films of Stephen King. I had a vested interest, obviously, and I have much, much more to say on the subject of the author, should I ever feel to do so. But because The Green Mile just happened to be playing on Bravo tonight, I felt the desire to talk about that instead.

O magical negro. I did NOT come up with that moniker by the way. If it makes you feel more comfortable, Magical African American. Nevertheless, much has been written on King's interest in it on purpose? Or just a by-product of White Man's Guilt? I love SK, but I vote for the latter. No writer in is right mind would play that card so often so purposefully. I believe he was acting on the white man's guilt.

Gosh, how many can we cite? The most obvious? Mother Abigail from The Stand. After that, Michael Hanlon from It (he suffered the burden of remembering, Mr. King, don't even play), Hallorann from The Shining (magical with "the shining" and burdened with saving the white folks), and of course John Coffey of The Green Mile. However, I am not so much interested in indicting Mr. King in his use (overuse?) of the magical negro.

After seeing The Green Mile ONCE, ever, and crying my stupid eyes out over it, I do wonder one thing: Would we not cry as much over the magical white man? Do we care because John Coffey is black? Somewhat simple? All of these things? Were he a simple a white man, wouldn't we suffer the same? I don't know. But as I suffered through the (severely edited, yet vividly remembered) ending of The Green Mile, it did make me wonder.

Perhaps it is just a piece of manipulative tripe goading its audience to feel far too much because the protagonist is magical, miraculous, simple...and black. But GOD, don't I wish that we would fee the same no matter the race.

I forgive Mr. King for his shortcomings (perceived or charged) because I think he tells the stories as he lives it in his times. You can eviscerate him for glorifying (with all white guilt) the "magical negro" but he is no more guilty than other writers under the crossfire for writing in their times, like Twain, for example, and many more. I think instead of obsessing over his shortcomings (hello, all the years of idiot women characters!) it would be better to talk about what these culturally "questionable" characters mean to us now.

Tuesday, February 01, 2011

Housewives of Beverly Hills, Best Season Ever

I loved this season more than the rest. What? Don't judge. Poor people like to watch rich people and their problems. This is not a revelation, folks.

This particular season meant more to me than most for reasons I've made clear in previous posts. I LOVE LOVE LOVE the show Medium. I was so happy that it got to live on longer on CBS. So, like others who have been addicted to this show, I was nothing short of outraged to discover (shock, I know, fool on me) that the person the show was based on was a complete and total psycho/sociopath. Lllllllllllaaammmme.

But I like the RHWoBH for more than that, actually, because there was SO MUCH 70s-80s-riffic stupidity associated. Like Lisa, the lost member of Dynasty/Lace. And the Richards sisters! OMG. Total crazytown/Hollywood sickness. How could you not like this show? Plus there was a drag queen married to a schlub. YAY!!!!

Lisa Vanderpump. She's like Alexis Carrington with +20 nasty intelligence and a side order of perviness. Love! She's beautiful and her dog is a fluffplume of Giggyness. Plus she had a manwhore who obviously did not earn her love and free food. He was pretty and stupid with a fancy accent. What a debacle!

Adrienne Maloof. WOW. This is a beautiful man. I love drag queens. She stays out of the drama. Until the end, of course. I totally believed she would be the wise Ghandi sage who brought world and Beverly Hills peace but in the end she was kind of a limp bizkit of a counselor in the sister on sister hatefest of the finale. Oh well. Her married life was the only thing that normal people could relate to. The bickering with her adorable/schlump husband was totally charming. So for me, she's all WIN WIN WIN. Cute.

Taylor Armstrong. Liverlips sexbomb cryfest. The perfect recipe for love! I honestly felt her fights with Kim were stupid and useless, because she's a person and Kim is a whirling snarl of insecurity. Taylor said some wrong things, maybe, but nothing unusual compared to what normal people have said (going "Oklahoma" on one's ass being #1) and her marriage problems were nothing short of terribly sad. OK, she did marry a cyborg (who is not even HOT, WTF) but you'd think even the most cold blooded bastard would appreciate a swollen lipped swan like Taylor. Straiten up and fly right, soldier!

Kyle Richards. Mocked recently as the Broke-ass Demi Moore. But I honestly identified with her the most. Not because we are the same, but because I felt like she was honest and right most of the time. I'm on her side in the Camille/Kyle fight. I do not believe she is a perfect or even great person. She's got mean girl tendencies all over the place. But I do believe she's right in the fight and I do believe she's endured too much mama/sister drama. Plus her husband is HOT as hail.

Kim Richards. Goooooooooooood Lord. This woman is the definition of Hot Mess. I think her fate was sealed in one of the first episodes when she related the story of the paparazzi & her niece Paris Hilton. "She was first...she's the icon." Ugh. Her pleasure in this story makes me absolutely ache. Because A.) who the hell are you? and B.) how sad is this scene? UGH UGH UGH. It's like watching a baby panda get skinned at a discotech. First come the Starsearch dancers, kick kick kick, then they yank out the panda. You just feel sick and betrayed at having watched the whole thing. And that was basically her whole role on the show. Because HEY I WAS ON WITCH MOUNTAIN and now I have a mealy mouth full of sweat and desperation does not really translate into...Icon. Ugh. Sad.

Best/Worst for Last: Camille Grammer. She sucks. Even after she seems kinda sane in the reunion shows...I still can't forgive her for the show itself. I mean, it's not like she WASN'T THERE. Because she was. She shrugged, she rolled her eyes, she claimed basically everyone was jealous of her...and she kissed her married friend on the lips repeatedly (more eyerolls). Kelsey Grammer could be the most raging Charlie Sheen Asshat on the planet and we still wouldn't sympathise. Because A.) everyone is jealous of her....B.) she made us see the Real Allison DuBois. HATE. HATE HATE HATE. Because Real Allison DuBois is a contemptible human being. Am I being too harsh? Hmm. Let's ask ourselves: Even if we found the most heinous Beverly Hills housewife the most horrendous person in the world, would we joke that we would NEVER help her find her abducted child? Seriously? Because Real Allison DuBois did. Smoking her fake cigarette and acting all a fool. THANK, Camille Grammer. You suck. I hope you get a $1.50.

Thanks, crazytown brilliance. Also, congrats Bravo, since this is all the TV cred you have left. Awesomeness. Also, sad. You're such an Icon.