Wednesday, March 30, 2011


Disclaimer from hatefest: None of those hates apply to BABIES. I realized after the fact that many many babies have outies (eyeboogers, wet kisses, etc.) and I thought I better say something fast. Babies are immune from the hatelist. Obviously. I'm evil, but I'm not full on EEEEEVIL. C'mon.

To counter the hatefest I obviously have to do a lovefest. This doesn't include obvious stuff I've included in this blog before (duh, I love you family/friends; duh, I love you scifi) so don't get all het up. This is other stuff, or more nuanced, or just what I could think of. I love a disproportionate amount of things as opposed to hate. I'm a total fluffy bomb of loveness.

Aye Aye. I love him. This came up at work when we were trying to figure out what Spirit Animal Rebecca Black might have. It's a long story...let's just say we all know what our spirit animals are because of team building. Anyway, we soon realized that this little guy is endangered not only because of deforestation but because the indigenous population kills him on sight because he is thought of as "evil." Look at that face. That is the face of complete sweetness and light. Save him!

Cylons. LOVE THEM. Space robots out for vengeance against their creators. Yes. Also, still one of the best shows ever. I've even come to terms with the finale. You should, too!

Eyebrows. I love them all, even weird, hairy ones. Ask anyone with a baby I know: The first thing I tend to comment on is the majesty or wonderfulness of the eyebrows. I feel my eyebrows are rather is half bald, I shit you it is no mystery as to why I'm obsessed. I love Sharon Stone's circa Basic Instinct the best. Look at those fearsome flags fly!

High Heels/High Boots. I can't wear them but I think they are sessy as HAIL. Jealous Jealous Jealous!

Optimus Prime. This is my dorkimatronic love of robots/space/future. I hope for heaven for the obvious reasons (seeing loved ones again, everlasting life), but I also want to know what happens next...and in other planets and solar systems. Of COURSE, there is some kind of life based on metals. Of course! Endless possibilities in an endless universe...more than meets the eye.

Stupid Human Tricks via Jackass. I'm a child. I terrible, terrible child. Not your child. The worst, Steve-O snorting wasabi. The funniest (partially because of the butcher, it is true), convenience store knight attack.

Things That Will Bite You If You Try to Kiss Them. There are a lot of animals that will do this, but two of my favorites are turtles and crows. Turtles seem sweet with their little shells and darling faces, but they will bite a bitch. They will also lead to Awful Downfalls via Karma when you keep them captive and, one summer day, carry them across the lawn only to step on a bee. YEAH! They will karma murder you! And crows? I would chase them down the streets of Wichita just to get one snuggle. And they would peck me half to death if I caught them So cute!

Cobalt Blue. This is a color best experienced in a near night sky. There is no better time of day than twilight...except of course for those really polluted sundown scenes, but we don't really get those here. Maybe it's an ocean thing. I don't know. All I can say is that our brief visit to inland Lillington, North Carolina treated us to one hell of a sundown scene and it was absolutely fantastic. However, no matter where you are, you know the cobalt near dark sky of almost-night. Love hearts extreme.

Deep Space. Thank you, NASA. Thank you, Hubble. Look at those blurry stars! Anything, anything could be out there.

Disney Characters, Mean. I happen to enjoy Maleficent because she turns into a dragon and her best friend is a crow (see above). The evil women tend to be way hotter than the Snow Whites, etc., though I guess it's not a perfect theory. Scar seemed terribly malnourished.

Unicorn. Is there anything left to say? O, I think the worst singers in in the world might have something to say...but then that's all they'll have to say. (Thank God.)

Sunday, March 27, 2011

I Hate

Not to revel in negativity with avarice and bile, but I can't be sunshine beams 24/7. I can manage it maybe 23/6. Whatever! Don't read this if you want to forever bask in the shininess of bs lies!You know you hate this crap, too. THINGS that are GROSS:

Outie belly buttons--Get. That Shit. Taken care of. I'd rather see yards of lard and cottage cheese than see even the slimmest person's outie belly button. Surgery NOW.

Knobby, gnarled, cankerous feet--Closed foot shoes, asshole. In honor of summer and hygene, put your bony horrors away. I don't care how hot your feet are.

People who talk “valley” always--like, how do you get, like, a JOB. Hel-LO?

Free flapping butt cheeks--wear actual underwear. Men probably like how your butt flaps wiggle in the wind, but it makes me want to kick you right in the crevasse.

Wet kisses--no one needs to hear/see that horror.

Gum smacking/popping--seriously, the wet, nastiness of it isn't what bothers me the most. It's the balls out selfishness. How do you NOT know everyone thinks you are disgusting??

Foot cheese--less public, more personal. Some amount of foot care is always a good idea.

Pit hair with deodorant balls attached--c'mon MAN. Sleeves. Sleeves, mother fucker.

Visible pit hair at all--it's natural, yes. But if it's jutting, maybe put it away, yeah?

Snorking snot--buy a kleenex. Blow it out. Stop eating it via your nasal cavity.

Eating with mouth open--I don't want to smack you for this indiscretion, I want to smack your mama. She's asking for it and you only have yourself to blame.

Wet, noisy eating--again, mama gets the open-handed welcome wagon. Don't cry, it's her fault.

Eye boogers--one mirror, no problems. I have issues with this myself. A sick obsession with facecare with help you with this.

Judge me! I don't care. I judge you all the time you wedgie-wearing, eyegoobering, snot snorking, french kissing outie mother humpers.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011


Things that made me laugh recently. First, nerd cake.

Second, inappropriate song.

I wish he'd skip the AIDS-y, Gay-y BS, but my sister and I give him a pass because he's a.) cute, and b.) young. So, youngsters, now you have a bar to rise to.

Friday, March 18, 2011

Moar Beards Pleez

There's an upcoming cover for a monograph that makes us laugh and laugh because of the disembodied head. I have only MS Paint and Powerpoint to help me, but I promised my peep that we'd reconfigure the disembodied head into a tea party. So, I did it. I.

Did it.


Ugh. I hate the train. It's pretty much established at this point. Panic attacks, germ warfare, smells, smells, odors. Ugh. I saw a guy on the train this evening that made me think "What. Is that still going on?" Maybe hipsters never die. They just become old hipsters. Then fade away in a sparkly dust cloud of contempt. But what really bugged me was the feral chinchilla affixed to this particular hipster's face. So, I felt really super inspired. Here's what that sight made me do:

I feel the same about feet. If you have talons, frog toes (with or without suckers), or extra knobs...LOCK IT UP, people! No one needs to see that bony horror.