Sunday, October 31, 2010

Awkward Family Therapy

I have always loved the website Awkward Family Photos, because honestly, anyone who ever spent a good amount of childhood hours at Olan Mills photography, with their standard gray mottled background or BETTER Fall Foliage background, has a whole lifetime of humiliation to relive in family photo albums--or better yet, framed and mounted for all to see in gramma's back hallway. We laugh because we understand. We all have photo evidence of the humiliation, the cross eyed, nose picking, snaggle-toothed horror that is The Family Photo.

But then I realized they had a sister site, Awkward Family Pets. Oh the shivering shame, the cruel cuts of molten memory, laced with acid spikes of fear and shock. I, too, have posed in an Olan Mills photo with a dog. A doberman. The dumbest, most cross eyed doberman to ever live. My mom holds my whole fabricated sense of identity in her wooden framed, slightly dusty clutches. She has the evidence and can take me down at any moment. Let's just say my expression in the alleged shameshow was never as proud as this:

BUT, can I just say, if my lot had been the same as this guy's (SEE BELOW!!!!!!) I would have been the proudest teen in the land.

HOT and Bothered

Look Bieberites, I get it. You are both Hot. And. Bothered. I was like you once, too.

I am old. Old, old, old. Yet I still remember my own obsession's birthday: June 8, 1962. WHY do I remember it? Because at one point I thought it mattered quite a lot. Because I was quite sure we would be married. Because I was, to be blunt, an asshole. And so are you!

Do not fret. This is not a permanent affliction. Soon enough you will realize that the REAL boys in your life are far too hard to deal with...and, let's face it, real. Because no matter how NOT-Bieber they are, they are still, in fact, present. Which, I am afraid, will never be the fact about your beloved, be him Bieber or Rhodes.

Unsmileyface! But Rally! At least real guys can give you romance, heartbreak, herpes, and other assorted lovesores!

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

How to Snuggle a Chicken

First, endure many stabs. Stab stab stab. The chicken is a velociraptor ready for the kill. Chickens are absolute weirdos. Read and weep. PS. They are actually the closest living relatives to the T. Rex. Their hearts are full of murrrderrrr!

But you know you have a warm and soft glow from watching that video. It's like watching that lion reuniting with his adoptive first you are like OH SHIT, that lion is going to eat that guy. Then you are like awwww, vicious lion. Who knew you could love?

This Is Work. Work Is This.

You Can See Why I Was Confused

This is the same guy, right?

Apperently not. Tho when I saw Law & Order: Los Angeles, I seriously couldn't tell if it was Jason Gedrick or Skeet Ulrich.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Lovely Sunset

Out my kitchen window this evening.

Saturday, October 23, 2010


First, where is my VHS tape of The Lion King? Do you know? Because I do not. I went to watch it and BLANK, no tape. So it's Gone with the Wind. Eff Bombs extreme.

I've been mulling over my own shocking transformation. I have this hot ASS image of myself that seems to suggest I will ALWAYS be the hottest thing ever (see below) but in less than 10 years...well, I don't look like that anymore. And hey! I am NOT just talking about weight. That would be too easy. Instead, there is a definite, living decomposition. EFF YOU aging! I am sure it is more than that, but whatever. Here is the hotness:

Bummer. I was young once. I really was. Ask anybody. Now I am an old Crank, waiting to eviscerate any young fool who dares to call me MOM. P.S. My lack of children should tell you I am probably not your MOM, or ready to be called MOM, and may actually hunt down and bitchslap your MOM if you call me MOM. FYI.

I think of Booby Goren in these times of tiredness and trouble. He's gone through a transformation, too. BUT, I have to say this with no reservation: I would give him long, hot footrubs in 2001 or 2010. Because his sensitive snubby nose, gangly tall bod, and overall testosterone injected reality will always--ALWAYS--earn him a well-deserved throne of Hotness to which many, many women will willingly bow and obey. Bobby! Thank your lucky stars. The common man/woman just deteriorates and decomposes. They wish they had the sweet coin of Sex Bomb Currency to cash in during the twilight of their waning attractive years.



(P.S. Don't cry. Everyone gets old. Not everyone has the opportunity, so think of them and say a little prayer. This caterwauling is slovenly earned, not justifiable, and completely drowned in narcissistic stupidity. This is my earned heritage...I am wearing glasses while I write this, so you know it must be true.)


My new peep sent me this:

It makes me happier than the smile of a child...even the smile of a kitten. That says a lot. It makes me double rainbow all across the skyyyyyy.

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Thursday, October 21, 2010

Fashion Show at Work!

OK, it took TWO days to set this bit up, and it took all of 30 minutes to execute. We were expecting something far more grand and weird (Ocelot Catwalk, Carnage Finale!) but it was just an Express fashion show. We don't know why. But I have to admit that the insistent throb of house music really propels the mech request initiatives.

Sunday, October 10, 2010


Tuesday, October 05, 2010

Clash of the Hotness

Why didn't they just say: Classics-adjacent skinfest of hotty McHotness Greased Up and Full of Masculine Testosteronies. Because that would have gotten the point across, I think.

PS. I totally loved it. I think there was action...Zeus, possibly winged horses...but I do know for certain that the AGED HOTNESS was out of control! So, endorsement.

Saturday, October 02, 2010

Things I Hope I Never Forget

  • Sub&Stuff cheese fries
  • the kids door at Applegates Landing pizza
  • Gringo Charlie's
  • running through the sprinklers in the back yard
  • playing with bugs
  • beating my older cousins at Life and Monopoly
  • visiting my aunt in California, waking up from a nap with "How Deep is Your Love" playing and feeling so lucky to be in the most glamorous city I knew
  • kissing potion lip gloss (bubblegum)
  • wearing shoelaces in my hair and a bandanna as a belt.
  • my grandpa's hands
  • my grandma's hands
  • Malt-O-Meal made by Grandma with butter, sugar, and half and half on the side
  • riding in Grandpa's truck
  • listening to mom's stomach gurgle on Saturday morning
  • buying new furniture for the first time
  • loving the tiny apartment on Bluff because my room had a window seat
  • grandpa's radio that picked up AM, FM, and local television audio
  • KFDI storm watch
  • KFC and Crystal Lake and regretting that I never had the guts to jump off the top of the diving platform
  • grandma taking me out of school early to go see the St. Patrick's Day parade
  • delivering Meals On Wheels with Grandma
  • writing dirty song lyrics on the program during church
  • every crush, both big and small
  • the best dates, no matter how it all turned out
  • Christmas on Carlos street when I got Onkey the Monkey
  • Christmas on Bluff when I got my first boom box and cassette tapes ("Mickey," Toni Basil; Officer and a Gentleman, ONJ's greatest hits vol 2; John Cougar, American Fool)
  • Two days of Grease II and leftover anniversary cake (same as white wedding cake) just before my best friend left for Venezuela for "3 months" which turned into 3 terrible years.
  • the last day of school at Isley elementary when everyone went out to the hallways at the end of the day to cry and hug
  • Isley elementary and its singular perfection: The song-and-dance troupe, my acting gig as Maid Marion (and first job re-writing a script from the 70s to have a more 80s, "Valley Girl" flavor), the lofts, the contracts, track and field day, the vending machines, the commissary, the TRUST -- the teachers (Mrs. Chapman, Mrs. Terrill), the students, the FUN -- camp away weekend when I held hands with my "boyfriend" Jeff Ruby and played capture the flag...
  • Brownies. Selling Girl Scout cookies. That time we were supposed to draw and "image of ourselves" on a paper sack that we would then wear and Stephanie (?) drew a naked woman's body.

Friday, October 01, 2010

Tyler Clementi

I had lunch with Yasmin yesterday and, as is usual for me, I had a hard time putting my arguments/feelings to coherent words. I'm the world's worst debater--it is a proven fact--and cannot be trusted to make a point "in the moment" if my life depended on it.

What I meant to say was: In this age where it seems boys & girls in general are more at ease with sexual orientation (more than they were when we were teens) I am shocked that kids are still killing themselves over being teased or outed.

And I do believe that things are better. I remember having a conversation with my ex before we were married, discussing how racism was slowly (slowly, slowly) working its way to eradication. We'd just been to Amarillo, Texas, and experienced a hateful moment of racism at the gas station, and his anger was complete and charged. Thanks, Amarillo, for forever being nothing but a RACIST hatefest in my memory, but this moment in time helped, at least for the moment, to stop and assess where we stood at that moment in time, race-relations speaking.

Let's get clear: Things are not perfect. Absolutely not. But we are progressing, and I do believe that. Kids today seem less impressed with gay. Certainly less so than when I was a teen. Don't misunderstand: there are still many, many kids out there torturing other kids for being different. I know that...I'm just saying that culturally it seems...less so.

This is not some justification for behaviours. NEVER. Honestly, this is my hope-filled dream. Because honestly, why the fuck are we still talking about this? I will never understand. If you are a man who loves a woman, a woman who loves a man, a man who loves a man, a woman who loves a's beyond me why this is still an issue. Love. Kiss. Fuck. Marry. Who fucking cares? This seems a stupid thing to keep judging and hating on.

This story is horrifying for two reasons: People are getting outed in worse and worse ways...people are still carrying burdens of identity that should be a benign and uninteresting as mint chocolate ice cream and city park planning. This is still a huge issue. This is still something that an individual must manage on his or her own. And apparently this is an aspect of identity that still causes so much misery and terror.

These two choads decided to out this kid via webcam for reasons...unknown. Was it just the sex? Probably not. It was most likely the kind of sex this kid was having. I'd like to believe that these choads did it because of the sex, just sex, but reality, and the ever evolving release of texts, tweets, and status updates, says it was the sex because it was GAY sex. Mark my words: There will come a day when Dateline or some other newswhore org will air an interview with the main roommate choad who will, no doubt, cry and claim he never, never meant to cause this kid's death. Because newsflash: he was an 18-year-old choad. He just DIDN'T UNDERSTAND.

I am heartened by the efforts made out there to make it clear that these claustrophobic worlds of junior high, high school, and even college are NOT what real life will be all about. I made the same point yesterday, awkwardly, to Yasmin, when we talked about how it would get better for everyone, not just the gay kids, weird kids, or generally unaccepted. It WILL be better for everyone! Sure, some of those old school jocks and cheerleaders will never learn (or care to) but if my reunion taught me anything, it is that people DO change. They live, have hardships, children, experiences, and they can get to a place where they understand where they are in the world, the galaxy, the universe. Human. In case you wondered.


Allow Me to Amaze Thee

It's one of those nights...honestly, can you beat this beat? No, you cannot.