Friday, January 10, 2014

Crying On the Train, A Tutorial

Should you ever find yourself exposed and unable to contain your shit, this is how you cry on pubic transit:

  1. Find a corner
  2. I hope it is a seat
  3. Close your eyes
  4. Think your thoughts
  5. Try to breathe
  6. Fail
  7. Oh No, Tears are Falling
  8. Keep Your Fucking Eyes Closed
  9. Cry Quietly Until You've Reached Your Destination
  10. Wipe Wipe Wipe
  11. Run

One of the SHIT things about living in the great metropolis is depending on mass transit to get you to and from work. Sometimes, when you are mentally or physically compromised, you must endure open emotions in front of the dark masses. You do not want to. You try not to. But sometimes it happens. It has happened to me on more than one occasion over the last HORRID year, and I hope to never be exposed again, but today it could not be helped. 

I rode the express from my workplace this evening and I was already in a quavery state of mind. As I stood amongst the masses, the pain in my lower back got worse and worse. I tried to move around. I tried to find the best position. But the pain just grew. My face screwed into a pocket of bitterness. I tried not to annoy the other people packed tight in the tin can around me. I finally escaped to 36th street and breathed a sigh of relief that I would at least not have a panic attack, even if I died from over exposure to humanity. I was misty by the time the R arrived. It took one stop, but I finally got a seat where I could stretch my spine and relax. It was not enough. Because in that time I'd managed to let all of the hate in...this is what it sounded like:

  • you are in pain, you told them it started to happen the first week you started the meds to fight anxiety because of the train...but your doc still insists the pain is because of your fat ass that expanded since then
  • no one is listening to you
  • you vomit on command because your gag reflex has been compromised because of your acid HATE reflex that has been curbed but not FIXED
  • no one is listening to you
  • you are a fat piece of shit because you ate Dairy Queen and McDonalds every day and shook your booty in the face of it -BUT- YEAH, you wish, because THAT NEVER HAPPENED but again NO ONE is listening to you
  • no one will ever love you again because you are broken and not worth fixing
  • no one is listening, and they shouldn't because you are SHIT and are not worth a whisper of attention, let alone a single, discernible word. 
  • Stop crying, PIECE OF SHIT, because NO...ONE...IS...LISTENING...TO...YOU.

So, advice: Sit where you are sitting, close your eyes, let the tears flow. No one will say a word. No one will bother you. Or help, for that matter. Not that you want them to. Get over yourself. What are you crying for anyway, you big baby? No one is listening to you.


Post a Comment

<< Home