Sunday, December 26, 2010

Pomp and Bullshit

I'm a TV watcher, so I get to experience a plethora of commercials, both whorish and dear, so I feel kinda sorta justified in passing judgment on things that are both terrible and horrible. It's funny...I haven't been able to find the actual offending commercial, but the YouTube page of the actual band will give you a bit of a preview. Watch it.

So, does this trigger your memory of the actual commercial? If you feel a twitch, a slight, electric flick to the spine (NOT a nice one) followed by a cold shiver of revulsion, well you've seen it. I think it's the knowing eye-tips of the lead singer. I mean, you are NOT cute, bitch. Maybe [redacted] cute.

Ooooooooooooo, yeah, I said it.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Pick Up Lines, Kansas Edition

Thank you, Rich, for this fine ass compilation. But you have to be jealous of the pick up lines I've heard since I've been here, in the Mean, Mean city.

"O Dorothy, have you seen my heart?"

"I've lost my mind over you, can you help me, Dorothy?"

And, best of all, "Where's Toto, Dorothy? Heh heh heh."

Major sexytimes, for reals. All of these lines TOTALLY WORK. Really.

7th Sign

Remember that movie with Demi Moore????? OMG OMG. Remember the signs? It's soooo 80s now. Or Revelation-from-yesterdays what-EV-er. There are new signs.

New Sign? My sympathy for housewives of Beverly Hills. My sympathy...and those of many like me who witnessed last night's Shit Show of Housewives of Beverly Hills. What will become of us?

How did we get here? My sweet Jesus, how. Because there are people with real problems in this world. Yet, if you have too many spare moments to spend on tv times, I guess you might be a fan. I watch it, I admit it. I've watched a lot (not all) of the housewives shows spawned by Bravo. O Bravo, how far you've fallen. How far we all have fallen. Burning angel wings UNITE.

I have to admit that I love the Beverly Hills version of this series. There's Lisa, the Dynasty-like throw back from the 80s who totes could've co-starred on Lace and is probs BFFs with Jane Seymour with her hearts-ass collection. Love hearts! But there are other dominatrix hoes in this line up...for instance two trannies: One is passable, one is pushing it: the latter owns a basketball team and has the only husband who I would consider "H-U-M-A-N" but that hardly matters.

There are also two sisters. God help us all: Sisters. Worse yet: sisters related to Paris Hilton. Worstest yet? They both have sad, sad moments of glory when they were both childe stars...the blonde, egh. I never saw it. But the brunette? I do remember her bracing role as "annoying child" being watched by Jamie Lee Curtis in Halloween. She didn't die. Of course not. She lived on to be a STAR of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. YES.

They are all total freakshow psychos, to one degree or another. The sisters Take the Cake. And the worst participant by far? Kelsey Grammer's last HO, She Who Will Not Be Named (Camille, there, I said it). First, because WHO CARES about her if Kelsey isn't here? Second, because she's the meanest mean girl you've ever met. WOW. Wow, wow, wow.

There's a whole lot that led up to the Dinner Party From Hell , but to burn it down to the simplest of cinders: Kyle allegedly said that no one would care if Camille Grammar was around unless Frasier Crane made the scene. Many fights as to whether or not this statement was made commenced. After watching the series to this point you would only have two thoughts: 1) Who WOULD care if Camille was around? and, 2) Why is Camille so insecure? It is sad to watch a normal human suffer so obviously on national TV. It is quite another to see someone so egotistically underserving suffer the same. We all know what happens to her even before it is all played out on Bravo. And after watching her desperate, vapid showboating, I guess we'd all feel sorry for...Frasier. Cheating, frumpety, cheating-ass Frasier. Wow. Wow.

So in previous episodes there is this whole tedious back and forth of "You said it" and "No I didn't" etc etc. then Camille decides to have a dinner party for "the girls" to bury the clearly right in Kyle's head. And if it wasn't curious before, the revelation that THE Allison DuBois of Medium fame would be attending would kind of suggest that Camille had a bitch slap up her sleeve. And while Kyle brought an OJ Ho, nothing could ever deflect attention from Camille's crazytown party guest, The Real Allison DuBois.

You just have to watch it to understand it.

What have we learned from this fuckerow? First, do NOT accept cocktail party invitations. Stupid hos! Second, reality is always worse than fantasy. THANK YOU, so much, really, Real Allison DuBois, for RUINING one of my favorite shows with the hideous, truly bankrupt reality of your existence. After your sick, petty statement that they will be sorry if one of their CHILDREN is missing because Real Allison DuBois won't help, all I can I just say: FUCK YOU evil bitch. Nice way to ruin so much for so many just by being your fake cigarette smoking hag self.

And thanks for making me feel sorry for Beverly Hills housewives. Only you could manage that. Nice job.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Top 10 YouTube Videos 2010

My fave, of course, is double rainbow, but I love, love, love how this:

Turned into this:

It's just beyond brilliant. One of my new peeps is the newly minted Mr. Autotune because he brings up all the hottest new cultural moments autotuned, thus rendering him invaluable. And due to his double rainbow notification, it is now part of office lexicon, eg. "This jacket design is double rainbow all the waaaay."

I love how creativity can evolve and I totally appreciate the number of hours it must have taken to do these projects. It's a double rainbow all across the sky!

Sunday, December 12, 2010


The rehash of the moment goes like this: I dipped my head and said "Oh Crap."

This is not a lie. I did. Not because I didn't appreciate it. But because I knew the whole company would be watching me with all of their EYES and OPINIONS. I know I heard clapping and wooing and other forms of support, but mostly I just heard my heart in my ears. Nevertheless, it is WONDERFUL to hear appreciation for work done, and done well, this year (and every year, yes, but this year was an unknowable level of bitchkitty) and of all the overtime and tears (youbetcha) spent over this job.

I got this lovely dish from Tiffany & Co. and--can I just say--no bitch has EVER given me anything from Tiffany & Co. so WHATEVER, it made me goddamned happy. HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY. I got recognized for my efforts AND I got that blue box that indicates True Love.

I realize the company may not have everlasting True Love for me (I'm not an idiot), but they can certainly buy my love this crystal, blue boxes, and clapping. I mean, duh?

Wiki wiki wiki Whaaat

So this Wikileaks thing reminds me of church. Oh wow, how, you ask. Let me tell you.

I think Julian Assange looks like a boy-child rapist. I'm actually surprised that he's under suspicion of raping women. There, I said it. But my opinions are warped because he looks just a little bit like my ex, the freakazoid who was a Scorpio and into S&M. So when I see him of course I think KILL KILL KILL. But not because I think he is "un-American" because, hey, why should he be? Because, well, he's not American. Wise up, pundits. It's not International Law to be "pro-American"...or did you just realize that? Sad!

Anyway. I see all of the Wikileaks that have come out so far and it does make me nervous. Of course I don't want anything to happen that will possibly put me, my family, or any other loved ones in danger. Extremists, hatists, and governments do not give a flying fuck about me, my family, or my loved ones. They'll drop a bomb on us because we are what we ARE. Dirty, dirty Americans. It hardly matters how nice we are. The same is true reversed. (Curious? Well, we've dropped plenty of bombs on innocent folk who were no more representative or responsible for their governments than me or mine are, so. So.)

So, why am I supportive of Wikileaks, at least in theory? Because it reminds me so much of church.

I grew up in the Quaker church. WOW, right? Such a lovely and idealistic--PERFECT--religion to grow up in. And I must say, I never, ever heard one word speaking against another religion or people, ever. In that, they were fine and upstanding. And the religion has definitely helped formed me into the person I am. I do not believe in railing against other religions in favor of my own. And I do not believe that war is ever the answer.

BUT. My church is like every other church: humans. Devious, manipulative, selfish, cruel humans. It is a sad, sad thing. But every organized religion shares the same thing: humans. Desperate, scheming, clique-ish, mean-spirited humans.

Wouldn't it be nice if everyone's true selves were exposed to the light? The rapist (alleged) exposes governments, the Vatican, and other guilty parties to the Light. Why not my idealized church? Instead of believing that "Quakers" are pure of heart, how about seeing true moments of cruelty? Like when a poor child was shamed on Easter for not bringing the necessary funds to participate in the Easter Egg hunt, and at the ripe age of seven? Or when she had only the other outcast to chose as a friend after being blatantly rebuffed by the preacher's kids, even when she tried. And how about watching the nasty politics of inter-church fiscal decisions, the infighting, bitch slapping, and general petty power plays that permeated through that and any and everything that ever had to do with that church.

I would sit there, nails to palms, wanting to believe the message. All the while feeling sick, defiled, and cheated. Good job, organized religion.

And that was my only comfort! Knowing it was not just my church, but all the churches. The hatefest was universal; the petty sickness infects everyone. It's never the religion, folks. It's the people. The diseased, selfish, cruel heart of humanity.

Wikileaks is unsettling...even alarming. But I'd wish it upon every church in this land and every land. I am not perfect. But I'm not pretending to be, much unlike every church in existence. Golden rule, anyone?