Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Train Stories, April Edition

This morning was my first venture out into the world after an annoying and altogether gross bout with the bubonic plague. This is a lie, but really, who gets shingles? Me, that's who. For Christ's sake.

Things that were weird on the R train this morning:

1. When the doors opened to the Rector street station, the smell of Swiss Colony came marching in. Why? One wonders how the usual pooponiondogdirt smell, sometimes driven out by hotgarlicoil or sweetsugarnuts, was somehow lost to the opaque memories of years long gone, back to the days when "The Mall" was a new concept and some one's babysitter always had a gum-snapping, feathered-hair friend working at Swiss Colony. Memories of getting dragged past glittery glass brightly lit with spangly bangly things no 7-yr-old could buy...past whiffs of makeup and perfume, the plastic-fantastic neon perversions of Spencer's Gifts, through the soft miles of leather and denim to finally rest like an obedient and (shut UP, Gaaawd!) silent dog next to the babysitter loitering in the back of the Swiss Colony, listening to the friend's gum snap and crack while they gossiped the time away. Swiss Colony smells like summer sausage, cheese, crackers, and the biggest pickles on the planet, floating in a jar of wicked green juice like no pickling agent you've ever known, or ever will know again. A very German pickle, muscular and sweaty.

2. There was a dude that looked like a younger, hotter version of Javier Bardem. Did I stare? Does your mama howl at the moon? Girrrrl.

He got on at Prospect Avenue, which tells me that he is my alternate universe husband. Had I done some dumb thing 1 nanosecond earlier (or later), I'd be married, throwing dishes, and having hot, passionate, what-do-you-call-its with Mr. Javier Bardont right now.

3. This poor woman with a quiet, closed face was bringing a large bouquet of flowers and two mylar balloons to someone in the city. She was pressed up against the pole and just waiting the tides out, people brushing past, pushing, and staring at such a cheery sight so early in the morning. One balloon was a big yellow happy face. The other was red and said "Congratulations." New baby? Graduation? Meh. I was more transfixed by the balloons. As one might guess, I am easily bewitched by all things shhiiiiny.

The balloons moved back and forth and eventually I could not help but think that they were kissing. Then, when a particularly eager crowd pushed through (correlating, unfortunately, with a song change on my Ipod), it was very clear that the balloon couple was also dancing. Kissing. And dancing. To "Baby Come Back." Jesus.

I can't think of anything else...but wasn't that enough? As I conclude, I must say that the weirdest thing on the train this morning was probably me. And scene.

Friday, April 18, 2008

An Engineer's Guide to Cats

O My Word, I saw this on Cute Overload and wanted to post it ASAP. Upon further research, wouldn't it just figure that this dude is from Wichita???

The punishment technique is the best. And it works, too.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

More Lunchtime Springities

Monday, April 14, 2008

Springity Spring Spring

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

Happy Guy?

Has anyone else had the pleasure of experiencing the self appointed "Happy Guy" on the NYC subway? This happy asshole was trying to give away mirrors and $20 to anyone who would engage him on the "R" this morning. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure he's a perfectly nice crazy person, but c'mon. There is an unspoken rule on the morning commute: shut up, sit still, leave people alone. Most of us are still half-dozing and not at all prepared for some jackass screaming, "You want $20!? You want to rob me?!" completely out of context. When you can't see what's going on, the first thing to come to mind isn't "Happy Guy," it's the last episode of Law & Order you saw.

Notes of the morning:

--I have a menstrual hangover (hello, too much information!) -- if you don't know what this is, then bite me, you are not a real woman. Menstrual hangover is caused by overmedicating for 5 days (Advil, etc.) to kill the horrid pain of cramps...followed by cold turkey. What would cure it? One more juicy Advil. But I'm not caving.

--I have the song "I Would Do Anything for Love (But I Won't Do That)" stuck in my head. I've considered that my mild headache was really an aneurysm and I'm actually in a coma laying across the subway tracks waiting for eternity. It would make sense that I would have "Happy Guy" visions and that godforsaken song in my head while suffering from the last fever dream of life before finally snuffing out.

--I forgot my damn lunch this morning. It was salad, too. It had romain lettuce, grape tomatoes, cucumbers, and even some damn chicken in it.

--I watched two documentaries last night (I Love Netflix!): Enron, the Smartest Guys in the Room and Jesus Camp. Some notes: I can't say that the list of hellbound sinners is as long as the evangelicals would like to believe, but I'm pretty sure those Enron dudes are a lock. The children at Jesus Camp were hyperintellegent and easy to root for, which made the adults brainwashing them seem all the more evil. All those places in Missouri are either suburbs of Kansas City or satellite towns...that is where I lived, just on the Kansas side. Now you see why I ran away from it the devil was at my back?

Hey, how cool is this? As I'm writing this post, I look down and see two options from Blogger: "Publish Post" and "Save Now" -- when you click "Save Now" it declares that I am "Saved." YAY I get to eat peas with Jesus in Heaven! Good thing, too, since I'm near dead on the tracks.

Tuesday, April 08, 2008


I am so happy for them. We are actually visiting the campus and Lawrence next month, so perhaps we'll get a tan from the afterglow of joy that accompanies all auspicious championships. It really is very superawesome-O.

Saturday, April 05, 2008

Good Tea...Nice House

I love him so. Especially when he says "Kill it now." He's the best Klingon evarrr.

FYI, I am still getting through all of the STNG seasons on Netflix. I am on season 5 and finally, FINALLY saw my very favorite episode, "Cause and Effect." Giant Nerd Hearts Aflutter!