Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Method Sleeping

I was doing my usual thing at 7:30 this morning, sitting in the corner of the subway car, eyes tight shut, and trying to let myself go to the happy place. The happy place is anything that keeps me from thinking "imonthetrainimonthetrainthepeoplethepeoplefuckfuckfuck" which is my new thing, also known as Stark Fucking Crazy. We could discuss it at length, but let's not. I managed to tuck myself into the safest place I know (my head is amazingly quiet and empty although I sometimes hear lost miners crying "echo!" because they are lost and because they are imaginary), and that is the most important thing: I just need to get to work, earn my living, and live in peace. The reasons for my unexpected diversion into Crazytown will simply have to wait.

What got me to the happy place also almost made me burst into tears (which would have been wonderful for the other subway patrons, especially since I appeared to be asleep), but I have to say that repeating the refrain on a loop (loony loop? crazytown? these are not my underwear? i know he's autistic - shut up. it still sounds crazy) did the trick. I was in a calm doze for the last half of the trip and that is what counts.

What got me there? First, let me just say that I have been down with ee cummings for EVER. Say what you want (hack, egomaniac, poet) but he's alright by me. I studied him, so I can't believe it would take a "chick flick" to highlight this one, and why it knocks me out and makes me cry is really for me to know. That's that. But here it is; it is the truth, and I mean every word:

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)
ee cummings (1958)


Blogger Adairdevil said...

He is wonderful; it's just that unfortunately, people have reduced his entire legacy to not capitalizing words. This means every terrible high school poet tosses his name up as an excuse. He is besmirched by association. But I always loved this:

since feeling is first
who pays any attention
to the syntax of things
will never wholly kiss you;

wholly to be a fool
while Spring is in the world

my blood approves,
and kisses are a better fate
than wisdom
lady i swear by all flowers. Don't cry
- the best gesture of my brain is less than
your eyelids' flutter which says

we are for each other; then
laugh, leaning back in my arms
for life's not a paragraph

And death i think is no parenthesis

9:38 PM  

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