It's an Honor Just to be Nominated...

...so why don't you just shut the fuck up?

It's as though these people have never seen nor heard of the Academy Awards. Nobody cares about your art, your craft, your vision. Thank your wife, thank your mama, kiss your trophy and get the fuck off the stage.

Also, if you are in a group, stop looking surprised when they start playing the music after just one of you has spoken. They do it every year. Be aggressive. Push Larry out of the way and say your two cents. Or, hey, maybe come up with a game plan before the show? Discuss who will say what? It has been done before. Don't stand there yelling "I love you, Tiki!" while they cut away to the next riveting, straight-from-junior-college-film-class, dogs-kissing-clowns montage. Don't you know that a five minute skit on global warming in John Travolta's pants is ten times more important than how you owe it all your 9th grade math tutor?

Thank God for those montages, by the way. I don't know how I lived before seeing Michael Mann's vague, badly edited, meandering, blowhard medley of stereotypes. Now I know what it is to be an American. Time to go put a boot in somebody's ass...now that would have been a hot montage.