'Sup, Chewbacca?

The sandal season is upon us. Praaaiiiiise Jayses.

You see, the foot yearns to be free, feel the wind through its foot hair, and dry off after a long winter of sweating in a leather shoe. It deserves to be free! Nay, it demands it.

There are some gnarled-ass feet in this world. Now is their time. Ready to spring forward into the bare, brash light of the world and strike innocent observers to stone with their hideous little piggies and vein-popping foot bones. Jesus H. Christmas.

Look, it is okay to WANT to wear sandals or flip flops...even Birkenstocks you fucking hippie. But the question is...Should you? Really?

Do you have...

• Abnormally stubby or long toes?
• No toenails? (get some!)
• One long toe, especially if it is the second toe, and it is hanging over the front of your shoe?
• Excessive, patchy hair?
• Yellow toenails?
• Hammertoes?
• Veiny feet?
• Skeleton feet?
• Crusty feet?
• Open sores? I mean, come ON, people.

If you still decide you have to expose your freakshow feet to the world, don't be surprised if the world fights back by dropping an anvil on your big lizard feet. You are kind of asking for it.

Thanks. Godspeed. Now go put on some fucking socks.