Monday, May 21, 2007

Smoking Update: That Which Does Not Kill Me Will Ultimately Force Me to Kill You

...or, I've got the

Jimmy Jammies
Heebie Jeebies
The DTs
Kicky Feet
Jumping Jehoshaphats
Kill Me Now Blues

I don't know what you call it, but it is simply horrible. How to describe?

Remember when you were young? You know, youthful, full of youth, youthlike? Did you ever have days when it felt like something was pulling you from the middle, your gut or your heart, and all you wanted to do was cut class, get high, and go hood surfing on the Turnpike? You know, when you seriously wanted to kick out the jams, howl at the moon, eat a coconut cream pie, bite somebody, and spray paint obscenities all over...I don't know...the world?

This pull is an awful thing...I think it is the physical manifestation of Impulse, that great ghosty in the machine that can make you kick a cat, flip off your boss, steal a Chevette, and basically jack up your life most sincerely. Apparently, it is also the last death throes of nicotine addiction. This is the last week. I am only chewing a piece every 4 to 8 hours. My body is telling me to find some crack and now, goddammit, now.

To say this feels edgy, cagey, cranky, or otherwise bitchy is only scratching the surface. This is the precipice between a normal life and a Missing poster pinned to a corkboard in a bus station. They say that alcohol is a gateway drug, right? It leads to pot which leads to acid which leads to speed which leads to coke which leads to meth or some combination thereof? They should add the Smoking Withdrawal syndrome to that list. The pull is a gateway to impulse control problems. It feels too empty and too full all at once. It is impossible to know how to kill it. It feels larger than smoking even, which is depressing and infuriating. Is this a nicotine fit? Or is my life completely worthless? This is the range of madness I've been dealing with for about 5 days.

Tick tock. Tick.



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