Sunday, June 03, 2012

Oh June, Here You Are

On the bright side, a weeeeee tiny champion named Julian now lives on this planet. What a wonderful joy this is. I can't wait to meet him and snorggle his face with auntie kisses which are, by law, always sloppy and terrifying. Welcome to the Hard, Cold Reality of Existence, Julian! It is full of love.

And now to the terribleness: I am officially old in 13 days. THIRTEEN DAYS. I will be 40 (THOUSAND) years old on June 16. Like most human fools, I never thought this bullshit would happen to me. SO. I should probably start making my bucket list because it is basically OVER.

1. Grand Fucking Canyon (again) but this time with a Hot Sex Man (see here) and a kazoo. Because no one has lived until they've heard my rendition of TAPS on a kazoo echoing through the Grand Fucking Canyon.

2. Extra on The Walking Dead. Hello, I don't even need the makeup so you are saving money here, guys. Just give me a bowl of cow intestines and a script and I am Good To Go. At 40 (THOUSAND) years old, I don't need even a puff of white makeup. I am already the walking dead, assholes.

3. Mars Mission FTW. YEEEEZZZZZ. After age 39, what does anyone have left to lose? Except the diaphanous tendrils of life? Which are weak and OLDE. So rocket my ass to Mars, bitches. I would be happy to rove the red planet and report back that hey guys, holla, this was Satan's space port and hey guys, heeeey, he's totally pissed and going to burn you, earth, with his hellfire, even though he was totally chill until you invaded his space port.

4. Chicken herding. This shouldn't be hard to complete. Except for the chickens who will bok bok bok then peck my eyes out no matter how much I hug them with love.

5. Antarctica...but from a luxury boat pimped out with King Crab Legs and Channing Tatum & Joe Manganiello serving me drinks and dancing around in cowboy outfits for the duration. Tell them I respect them and they will totally do it.

6. Epic Spa Day. I should actually be able to do this tomorrow. Mani-pedi, facial, avocado body wrap and gentle massage from the hottest of hot gay men I can never have. Except my perfect pores and gleaming toenails will TOTALLY TURN HIM. And he is Jim Parsons. This will happen.

7. Meet Stephen King. Drown him in praise and gratitude. Then WHIP his fucking ASS about Dreamcatcher and putting himself in The Dark Tower series.

8. Epic Reunion with my high school friends. The "IQ Crew." This should actually be really easy but it is not. Once people drift apart it is almost impossible to force them back together. Too much history...or possibly too much apathy. Realizing that you loved someone so much more than they ever even began to remember you is one of those HARD TRUTHS that being 40 (THOUSAND) years old will teach you.

9. Hard wiring "Call Me Maybe" into my brain canals. Since I can't find my Ipod Shuffle. So, this seems logical.

10. Stop Dreaming about Loved Ones. Because it upsets me greatly to wake up and be like, OH, that never happened. I just keep remembering them and experiencing bright spikes of JOY, walking down a cold, downtown street in Wichita from Ago, hanging out in our never-happened mansion, running from and surviving zombies (this dream LITERALLY happened last night). I will be so happy when I see you again. But not in my dreams, okay? Because it renders me broken and tearful when I wake up and realize you are still gone.

11. Stevie Nicks records my song. I've had it ready for her since 1989. It is kind of amazing. No. It is TOTALLY amazing. There are no nightbirds, but whoneedsthem!!! "The sign remains on the the old house in the middle of the desert." Hello. HELLO. There's more where that came from, Stevie.

12. One last visit to Shaw's in Chicago. Best meals of my LIFE. King Crab Legs, butter, lemon. And key lime pie to top it off. Werewolves have more elegance than I did when feasting on these pleasures. It was just me, butter, fangs, airborne crab meat, and lemon juice in any one's eye who dared get too close. It was beautiful. And glistening.

I am sure there are more things...but I am sleepy (OLD ASS 40 THOUSAND YEARS OLD, almost), so goodnight.


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