Not to be racist, but...

Back in '93 or '94, before we were married, Mr. Chan and I had a frank discussion about race relations. It was relevant to our relationship and future: When we have kids, what are the repercussions to a child that is half white, half Asian? He told me stories that made me sick; incidents when he suffered terrible racism. We even experienced it firsthand in Amarillo, Texas...a place I'll never really be able to forgive. He was so angry and I felt so helpless. That's the trick, isn't it? You are not a racist, but you live in a world filled with it. Do you apologize? How do you fight it? What can make this outrage stop?

It was during our discussions that I related my Theory of Progress. It's simple minded and idealistic...but I do believe in it still. What shores up my conviction? Evidence. First, the Theory: Change doesn't happen in an instant. It progresses through time when each generation is born into a world where things like race, gender, and homosexuality are less charged than they were before. As I approach my 40th birthday, I can absolutely stand by this conviction.

When I was 13 I had a massive, crushing love for a boy at my middle school: Quy Nguyen. One of my friends teased me mercilessly. She related a story from her neighborhood, when her sisters were making fun of the Vietnamese family next door: "You tell your yang yang to go inside and put on some clo!" This coming from a Mexican American girl...a perfect example that all races judge and hate. Not just Whitey.

Less than ten years later I was engaged to an Asian man. For the most part we were left alone. The Amarillo incident was the worst of it, but we did get looks from whites and Asians when we went out to eat. It was certainly nothing we couldn't get over. After all, my mother dated primarily African American men when I was growing up: I knew the stares, the whispers. Aside from some apocalyptic eruptions in the family, I don't recall any overt moments of racism from the outside world...and this was the Midwest, don't forget. My little teen friends would say things from time to time: "Doesn't it bother you that he's BLACK??" or "OMG, he's BLACK." No one threatened violence, no one was ever murdered.

This was not ideal. Nor was it ideal that my high school friends were terrorized for being "fey" or "gentle": Until one very unapologetic friend came out to me in the back of a pick up truck, it never occurred to me that "gay" even existed. She was sobbing uncontrollably and I was an ignorant hick ill prepared to console her. But I did. And it was still years later when I realized how many of my friends from high school were gay. This doesn't include my closest gay boyfriends. I am talking about the kids who were just girding themselves behind a shield of Dramatic Arts, waiting for the day when they could get the HELL out of North High and Wichita.

I love that things like "Shit White Girls Say...to Black Girls" exist. I even love that things like "Shit That Girls Say" exists. Reasons? Well, for the first: Finally! If you can post it on YouTube you know you are fearless about whether or not people can relate. I can relate. Like many a whitey before me, I have had many black friends. And I really have. And I think it is great that we can talk about this crap openly. My work pal told me once how much it irritated her when people asked to touch her hair. "Like, OMG, it is so soft!! I thought it would be like steel wool!!" We should be able to watch this video, see ourselves, laugh, and say OK, let's get on to the next level when were less than fascinated about how different we are.



"Shit That Girls Say"? YES, because for me there's no such thing as feminism. Outrageous! But the thing is: I never have been a feminist. Crazy? No. Think about it: I was raised by a militant single mother: There was never a question that women were equal. In my household, the idea of the submissive wifey was a hysterical fairy tale. While I understand and appreciate what the Women's Rights movement did for me, I was lucky enough to be raised in a house where it was a foregone conclusion. I don't get my panties in a twist about videos like "Shit That Girls Say" because they DO say those things, Women's Movement be damned. Also, I don't get my panties in a twist about "panties" being in a "twist." There's nothing to be reactive about. I do, as a fact, wear panties.

Race relations progress, women's rights progress, gay rights are coming along. And the last of that does bother me. The fact that "It Gets Better" became a major meme after the suicide of Tyler Clemente makes me both hopeful and terribly sad. I am angry that so many gay teens feel that the only way out is death. The idea of "It Gets Better" is phenomenal: I just hope that these teens understand. Like all teenagers, they do not understand that the microcosm they live in now will be blown apart by the progression of life. College is one thing, but life after that is entirely another: You can seek out places to be exactly who you are. You do not have to live in fear of bullying, scorn, or judgement. What is sad is that so many have chosen death as a way out long before now: Family and friends mean everything. They still can, God knows, but there's no reason to forfeit life just because you want someone of the same sex.

I believe my theory still holds true. Republicans now speak out against racism...this wasn't always the case. Gay marriage? Forget it. In 1990 such a thing was beyond unbelievable. Race relations...are they perfect? NO. But time progresses. And every generation grows up with a different perspective. One where race wars are an antiquated joke, gay rights are so yesterday, and women have never been anything but equal. You can't rush it. It will happen.