Saturday, April 23, 2011

Jake Ryan is an ASSHOLE

So shocking that I would ever write such a thing. If you only knew the Odyssey I went on to get the VHS tape of Sixteen don't. Even. Know. Eighty fucking dollars and too. Much. Time.

Notwithstanding, I still love this movie. I forgive the racism...Long Duc Dong and Ooohhh Sexy Girrl Friend...and any other shortsightedness (no one ever mentions the greasy, let's guess "Italian" the good daughter marries). I don't care! It's a funny movie full of stupidity and things that are 80s adorablush. A black guy??? No, a pink guy! So funny! Ugh. But I forgive!

And I still forgive the central premise...that we all want Jake, the Frat-y, sexy, Porche driving mutha fucka with a giant, flaming cake and a hard on for nerdgirls. It is real! Real! Luckily I see him now for what he really is: A Thing. A Sexy Thing with no ass and pouty lips. YAY! Yay for Jake and yay for me.

But let's get real now. If we analyse the movie, we know he's nothing more than a hairy choad with mommy's bank account. Shiny, but shameful. Let's count it down:

Jake intercepts Sam's "who would you do" quiz then asks his musclehead friend what he thinks of her to an unsurprising result: She's a child. Jake says "She's not UGLY." Best. Compliment. Ever.

Jake dates Caroline, the most vapid idjit ever...yet she has the best lines in the movie (now we're both on birth control!). He dates her, obviously, for her tits.

When he tries to call Sam, he gets her Grandparents. What does he say to them, even accidentally? "Eat me."

The Best, Tops Thing that proves he's an ass? He befriends Farmer giving him Caroline in his father's car. "She's wasted. Have fun." Nice.

Need we say more? Yes, he shows up to Sam's house, runs into Long Duc Dong (you grabbed my nuts), and retrieves her from her sister's ludes-saturated wedding, only to kiss her over a flaming birthday cake, thus showing that he cares that Sam turned sixteen and is, after all, his nerd of choice.

If you watch 16 Candles, you have to ignore a LOT, and I am not referring to the racism, classicism, or any other known isms you might ascribe to. You have to ignore, above all else, the Truth of Jake. He's a Choad. A hairy, poopy Choad. Sorry, girls.

I still love the movie, though. Urges and needs cannot be denied. The Donger. Need. FOOD!


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