Tales of the Americas

Dear Girl, this is just some of the awesomeness you missed.

Don’t Trust the Curlies

Much like the gingers, the curlies must be watched. This motherfucker is really making the rounds, first questioning the right of the government to control just what kind of PEOPLE come into their establishment, then accusing the president of “un-American” behavior by laying into BP, the company at least partially responsible for the worst environmental disaster in US history. Wow, Ron Paul, how proud are you right now?

Crontch

In case you missed it, here’s an ear to nom.

Things That Made Me Scream Aloud

Kristy sent me this. It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t right. I screamedandscreamed. Then I passed out for awhile from the sugar rush. Tooooo. Sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet.




The Celebration

I didn’t stay long, but I did witness a woman literally LOSE HER FUCKING MIND over Adair’s rendition of “99 Problems.” I shit you not, my friend, she leapt from her barstool, slalomed a few times (screaming), and then, at the moment the song demanded a “motherfucker,” reeled out of the bar, through the door and fell to her knees on the street, screaming in…exaltation? We’ll never really know. I can say, after all the pomp and circumstance, that two true things remain: Adair is unflappable and Colin is still hot as hell. That is all.

The Tale

Once upon a time, there was a girl, let’s call her Shiny, and a gent, let’s call him Dumpster. In a Land we’ll call Grievous, Shiny and Gent met, specifically Shiny sought Dumpster for advice about a certain really freaking important and legally scary incident. She wandered through the swamps of Mordor to find Dump, finding Dump ready at his keys, tippy tapping away, furiously helping some unwitting soul (no doubt!). When Shiny sat down and began relating her legally scary incident of woe, Dump seemed fully invested in said incident. However! The aisles of Mordor were being reimagined after the leaving of yet another Girl (the Supreme and Utmost Canadian Girl of Yore), so many movings and liftings of heavy objects were afoot! Lo! In the midst of Shiny's tale, Dump suddenly (I kid you fucking not) jumped to his feet, yelling, “Can I help you with that!?” yea whilst Shiny was mid-fucking-sentence. Dump proceeded to jump out of his chair and run to the help of the young Naïve, let’s call him IT GUY, whose job it was to lift questionably heavy (?) objects and transfer them to their new and proper place (i.e. his fucking JOB). Of course, once Dump had helpfully extended his mighty pinky to help young naïve, he came back to listen to Shiny’s actual, relevant complaint. And thus the story goes, world without end, amen. And to think I’d forgotten why we named him that in the first place. Of course, GOD WILLING, you’ve forgotten all this peevish stupidity already, my friend. But I thought you might enjoy this nonetheless.