Sunday, March 21, 2010

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGE!

So, since my ultimate diagnosis, after months and thousands of dollars is that, finally...wait for it...I’m ANGRY, let’s celebrate this bitch. Let’s get it on. Because if I have nothing else to contribute to this world, I guess, without further ado, it must be

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGE.

So, fuck you Jesse James. What a bullshit, poser name that is, by the way. Keep banging on that motor, but where’s the blood and guts that earn that name? Mmmmmm? You have nothing. NOTHING. You are a mechanic with a cheap stripper hardon. Welcome to Sublime Mediocrity, you dirty fuck, because you deserve nothing less than the hate lashing you are getting or about to get. In this completely blasé world we live in, I have no doubt that you are living in a sweet unicorn dream of ease. No one is punishing you quite as much as you deserve.

Why do you fucking suck?

Let me count the ways…

1. You cheated on Sandra Bullock. Sandra. Fucking. Bullock. If I loved the ladies, I guess I’d love her First. LOOK AT HER. Forget that! Listen to her. She’s a dynamite, a warrior, a brilliant piece of humanity. You should be so lucky to shake the hand of such a luminous lovely, let alone worm your greasy ass into her life.

2. You cheated your children. Fuck it, right? Fuck those fuckers for being born. What can you do? What can you do? I bet you repeat that like a prayer every night. The dick wants what it wants, kids. You can’t fight dick.

Speaking of What the Dick Wants:

Really? Really? Of all the crack whores in all the crack dens, you had to sell your last vial of peen scum to bed the likes of this dirty piece of dogshit? Reeeeeeally? My mind reels. My mind insists that this is some kind of self hate. It HAS TO BE. Because you can’t compare the two, even if you were radiated and fully Silkwood-Brillo-pad scorched that bitch with bleach, you still couldn’t justify placing your peen anywhere near this swollen pustule’s blistered hole. Explain. Please. We have. All. Day.

Finally. The GODDAMNED SPEECH. When Sandra thanked you by saying her life was a blessing because of this, that, the other, and YOU. YOU, you filthy fuck. People less likely to be swayed by such sweet nothings were nevertheless SWAYED. For me, at least, this speech, and the disgusting developments henceforth, have made me doubt the entire male species. FUCK YOU, entire male species. If a shitbag like Jesse James can cheat on Sandra Fucking Bullock, what hope do the rest of us really have?

REALLY. Answer it. I DARE you. Because I know my ass is FAR less luminous and funny. What about me would ever guarantee fidelity? Mmmmmmmmmmmm? Lie to me, bitches, LIE TO ME.

LIAR. Don’t even post because I know you lie. If Jesse the Blunt Nubule can’t stay true to Sandy, then fuck the rest of you. You are only good for the sexytimes, anyway.

2 Comments:

Blogger snarkygirl said...

I won't lie to you. That bastard deserves to languish in STDs and mediocrity for the rest of his life. Plus? He's ugly. And his kids came before Sandy, so they have no hope in hell.

8:30 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This can be explained. Men with shaky self-esteem cannot bear to be outshone.

-Liesl

12:33 AM  

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