Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Just Breathe

Tiger Woods

I am declaring it now: He sucks. Revelation? You think not, but let me say further: He always SUCKED. Why? Because I hate golf. Therefore, Tiger Woods never had any appeal to me. I like Wii golf. I like putt putt. But golf as a sport? One with TV coverage and endorsements? GTF out of here. It is boring, elitist, and lame. I hate golf. SO. I never understood the Tiger Woods thing from the get go.

Do NOT preach to me about his story. The world is FILLED with those stories. Watch American Idol. Do NOT fall for that crap.

Mostly I hate him now because of all of the media attention his sexytimes has garnered. Who cares? He is a major pile of DULL looking, he talks DULL, he acts DULL, there is nothing about him that is even worth the excitement that has been revving up since Thanksgiving about his etc etc etc. Even his infidelities are borrrrrrrring. So why must we listen to the ongoing media obsession? WHY?

Because I am a minority, I guess. That's why. Ugh. This and the Michael Jackson death coverage are proof positive--if nothing else was--that the media has devolved into nothing but a quivering pile of ectoplasmic famegoo.

Shit I'm Not Going Through

Bad things are a foot. They didn't happen to me. My family is going through a very rough patch right now and we each, as individuals, are trying to absorb and somehow understand what has happened. If you see me day to day, just know that a general undertone of bitchiness is not due to you; I'm just trying to deal.


And if you work with me, you'll know this clip all too well. When they say Charlieeeeee, what it translates to is: Agree with us, do as we say, and tell everyone else that we are right and you love it, Charlieeeeee.

Top 10 Things I Hate On the Train

10. Crowding. I know, inevitable. But it makes my heart go pitter patter. I want to go all picaresque on all of you.

9. Wide-legged Gents and Their Massive Balls. Really, are your balls that big? You wish.

8. Eating Wet Foods. Such as: egg burrito with salsa and goo. Added points for eating with tongue lunges. No. Bad. No. This is a toilet. How can you eat that here?

7. The Homeless. I am sorry you are homeless. Now that we have that out of the way, why are you full of pottypants fumes and weaving to and fro? I am scared of you, because I don't know what you will do or fling, but also because the smell most certainly will stick.

6. The Lovers. Good for you! You found a teammate! Someone who laughs at your jokes! Loves your body hair! Lives and breathes to make you haaaaappy! Yay! But wet smacking kisses are for private times, no? Can we save it for private times?

5. Loud Talkers Who Loudly Talk about Their Boring Lives That No One Cares about but Them. Enough said.

4. Gurglers. You are special. I have only encountered you rarely. You talk loud. You overshare. You have a FROG in your THROAT. You are yodelling flim. Can you clear your throat? Will you? Can you?

3. Shovers. Those who are having worse days than me/you/all. They hate me/you/all equally because what? Their dog just done died. Who knows? But they are itching for a fight and you are just clinging to a pole. Speaking of...

2. THE POLE: I hate you. I hope you boil in hot lava and spite for all eternity. I know it is not you, pole. When you were just hot metal at a factory, I bet you never knew your sad lot in life was to hold 8000 diseases on your slightly rough surface. Still. I hate you! You breed flu, the cold, cooties. You suck. I hate how inviting you seem to be to the Others, the mouth breathers, the face wipers, the booger diggers. They love you. They wipe and swipe and grab you like a two-time felon running from the Dog.

1. Gum Smacking. I hate you!!!! There's nothing more irritating than the sound of a true gumsmacker. This makes number 1 because it is SO prevalent. My aunt Sherrie was a world class gum snapper, the kind that makes intricate, multisnaps in every breath. This, I could almost stand. It's really the wet, chewy, drooly gumsmackers that drive me wild with rage. Don't you know what you sound like, assmonkeyes? Don't you?

Let's All Dance, Forget All Our Worries


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