Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Big Brother, A Tutorial

I am a Big Brother FREAK. Every summer, there’s nothing better to look forward to for me than the start of a new Big Brother season. I have watched it from the very beginning and my obsession only grows. God, I love it so.

Imagine it: 12 or so houseguests spend 3 months trying to outlast each other in a sequestered house to win $500,000. They try to put all kinds of people in the house—no “big” people, of course, ha—but every other “type” gets a place.

It’s amazing how psychotic people get…I mean, you would, too, right? Think about it. No TV, to fams, no friends, no fricking Internets. Just you, some strangers, and your thoughts. There’s not much to do outside of competitions…just down time, strategizing, and game play. We’d all lose our ever-lovin minds.

This season has been an absolute gift. Coming from a fan who has watched 11 seasons, that is saying something. It’s been surprising, explosive, and…well, let’s say it, predictable. All of the houseguests are fans—they would have to be—but it seems even they fall prey to the most foolish idiocy. Here are some basic rules (a.k.a. THE RULES of Big Brother and WHY BB Fans were Deeply Offended by Chima):

Out of Thousands, You Were Chosen—Really, what more is there to say?

The First Rule of BB is: Expect the Unexpected—This has been the rule since season 1. So why do houseguests continue to be surprised? See Chima, below.

Nothing Happened This Season That HASN’T HAPPENED BEFORE—See, all previous seasons. Again, see Chima.

The Moment You Identify Yourself as One of the GOOD PEOPLE, America HATES YOU—Is this really so surprising?

When a Houseguest Leaves, They are Not Killed (but it’s a thought, producers)—See, the Canonization of Jesse + past BB losers.

You’re and Asshole—If you think you are a wonderful person, it is likely that America thinks you are a Giant, Brown Asshole.

Most Hilarious Moments of BB 11

The Canonization of Jesse (“He prayed for us!”)

Oh hey, Jesus Jesse!


The Removal of Chima—this happened over the weekend. Chima, apparently having never seen the show, completely lost her shit and acted out to such a degree that the producers made her leave the show. The last person removed in this fashion was forced to do so after brandishing a knife at another player. Enough said.

PS. Jeff is the Most Wondrous, Fantastic Houseguest, Ever. I mean, he gets it.


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