Friday, March 21, 2008

Tick Tock

It is after 2 pm on a Friday afternoon. In a short time, we'll catch a ride to JFK International Airport. We'll go through the rites of passage (give us your liquids! throw out your gaaabage!) and maybe even get wanded. Then we'll wait for probably an eternity for the flight to begin boarding and, eventually, take off.

Did you know that I used to cry when travelling by air? For the duration of the flight? The duration? Then I found Happy Flying Pills. When I moved to NYC I had to kick that habit, just bear down, and by force of will repress and kill all feelings of panic and worry. And I did it!

Then a year and some months ago I started having the infuriating panic attacks, always during ground travel, usually on the damn subway. I have my theories as to the whys and whatevers, but I've managed to pretty much control that, too. Not 100%, especially when I'm all nerved up like now, but where there's a will...well.

If you've known me for a long time, you'll also be very aware of my general worried state of mind. It is a trait I share with my grandmother, who could spiral with the best of them. Again, I force myself to settle down and just bear it, but it's second nature to me, much like a squirrel must vibrate.

Now as I sit here watching the clock, I realize that I'm kind of like one of those animals that goes into shock when you startle it. You know, the kind that dies of fear? Except for mustering up whatever countermeasures I have, which keep me blissfully vertical and swimming in a vast bowl of cold soup that is my brains, I'd probably be catatonic right now.

It is hard to explain to those that fear nothing what it takes to manage fear, but I do hope that those of you who have listened to me fret and yammer these past few weeks can sympathize at least to some degree. Even if you don't, send me your wellest of wishes, or prayers, or whatever voodoo gets you through and I will promise that, once I get there, I will stop, breathe, and open my mind as far as it can go.



Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hooray! That's my Lovey. I'm so proud of you. You have great courage and I admire you so much.

9:10 AM  

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