Tuesday, August 22, 2006

I Am, In Fact, a Chicken

This should not surprise anybody.

But I am, really, a giant screaming chicken with no feathers and a tendency to run in mad, mad circles about the room. Especially when provoked. Which leads me to my Grand Prize Trip To England That I Am So Looking Forward To. Here is a list of fears I will have no choice but to stand firm and charge bravely into, and not around, in circles, gobbling and clucking like a big, big chicken:

  1. Flying. I am terrified of it but have willed myself to just mellow out, man. I used to cry. Then I took Happy Flying Pills. Then I got over it. I still have moments, though. Little moments that feel really, really big. Of course, I have to fly or the terrorists will win.
  2. Talking to Strangers. Which Rick Springfield advised against. And my mommy. Yet I will have to talk to millions of them. And they'll all be talking funny, like movie people.
  3. Fear of Heights, Especially on Ferris Wheels, also known as Shaking Wheels of Shrieking Terror. It is called the London Eye. It is not the size of an eye. Maybe God's eye. Maybe they call it that to make you think of Sauron and the fiery pits of hell so that you will pee your pants while waiting to ride the Enormous Wheel of Horror.
  4. Public Speaking. They promised not to make me do it but they LIE. The British are known for this kind of thing. Make the American monkey talk--dance, monkey, dance! Now tell us how you plan to cut the margin loss for all monographs in 2007. My brilliant counter will probably be, "Ookey! I tie my shoooooe!"
  5. Eating in Public. We should all be given feedbags and call it a good day goddamit.
  6. Dressing to Succeed. Considering that I've already cried on the plane, peed on the London Eye, and covered myself with barley from the feedbag, I should think wearing heels will be optional.

There are more, I am sure. My brooding (brightened by idiotic moments of hopeful light, dreaming that "Maybe they'll like me, really, really") will certainly turn up some more things to dread, wail and worry about. Until then, cluck.


Blogger ymathew said...

i think if you yelled at me some more you would feel even better. and heels are NEVER optional.

10:47 AM  

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