Tattoo You

 NO.

I've consistently said I would NEVER get a tattoo. I don't care how small, not even on the ankle, the shank, I don't care! Tattoos are stupid. You are marked forever with some bullshit thing you only barely cared about for half a second in your life. It's even more sad if you really cared about it and it was something like NICKELBACK enlaced with roses and bullets across your forehead. Because, yeah, that song ruled for 5 minutes in 2003. And now you celebrate it daily into your senior citizenship.

My prejudice against tattoos is based on empirical evidence: My mom's friend Glen who we knew in the 80s. I don't think he was a Vietnam vet...I think he might've gone back to the Korean War. He was perpetually fun, drunk, and had arms covered in hideous blue tattoos that were originally black and, probably, sharp. But on his 40-50 year old body, they were blue, stretched, and saaaaaaaaad. Now, to be clear, any tat you get in the services is a LEGIT TAT. It doesn't matter if 60 years later it looks like a gray blob that may or may not be a rose wrapped around a gun--no matter! If you served your country, your tats are a mark of your experiences, your brotherhood, and your identity. TOTALLY OKAY.

However, if you are a hussy with a tramp stamp of barbed wire and Dalai Lama quotes (WRONG), your slut ass is going to look the fool when the nurses change your diapers in the home. And that is the place I am coming from. I am not a veteran, nor a convict (tear drops for every year served? Earned!), I am just a woman. Since I was never in a sorority or in college after 2005, the "tramp stamp" is a weird cultural turn that I've never understood. Don't get me wrong, I (sorta) GET IT. In a society where "hooking up" has replaced "dating" I suppose you have to have a signal for open-sex-times. I don't mean to judge, but I've never really understood WHY IT IS THERE. If it is to shout out to Jesus, forgive me. We've all been wrong all along. Just don't find yourself with a tramp stamp of "I Wanna Sex U Up" turning into "I Warara sxup SHU" because that shit will totally happen in 40 years.

The greatest shame of all tattooing is the misunderstanding of how it should be implemented. Your body is a beautiful landscape of soft and hard curves...meaty pecs, hard abs, fleshy thighs, sharp elbows, soft stomachs and buttocks. Millions of years of evolution have formed your perfect body into the form you see in the mirror every day. So why, WHHHHYYYYY, do you just smack an ugly cougar head on your left peck with no rhyme or reason? WHY? I despise tattoos with no artistic intention. Daffy Duck on your left ass cheek, a spider web on the right. Marylin Monroe on your left shoulder, a few little symbols below, and a Harley on your face. WHY?

Seeing these beautiful tattoos of Legend of Zelda and Stephen King works has changed my whole perspective. Would I love a Triforce trampstamp? YES. Would I endure a quote from one of my favorite Stephen King novels? YES. Why? Because these tats have so much meaning. And that's the whole point, isn't it? Some people get tattoos on a whim. They think something is cute or clever in a moment and they let someone ink it forever on their skin. Other people make an effort to choose tattoos that work with their human form. And of course there are the fanatics...something I should remember when I get all judge-y. When I saw these SK and Zelda tats, I knew these people were my kindred spirits. And when I saw those tats I didn't feel sad and judgmental...I felt pride.

 

So, to be clear. HELLS YEAH I would tattoo myself. And I have a whole new gallery of inspiration to push me in that direction. Of course, I will scream and cry the whole time. Because...NEEDLES!