Friday, November 28, 2008

I Hate You, Spiderman

I am watching Iron Man as I write this, and every minute that passes reinforces my belief that Spiderman is the biggest Shitball Joke of a Series to wipe its dirty ass on the 21 century's pop culture diaspora. My feelings about Spiderman ruining everything are made more solid by the sight of the Marvel opening sequence (the shutterclick Marvel comics) to every Marvel associated movie. Because I first associate it with the most boring, bullshit, horseshit, dogshit movies to annoy me in the last 10 years. I. Hate. you. Spiderman.

Iron Man makes me shiver with happy. HAPPY. It is bonafide Hot Shit. Omigod! Robert Downey Jr. is a wonder. It is hard to feel anything but joy and pride for him, considering the circus show his life has been for years. He is a real actor, the genuine article, so it is nice to see him doing his thing, living up to his potential, and basically kicking ass and taking names for all superheros. Finally!

What stupefies is the persistence of such heelsmut as Spiderman. Can we not put a stop to the bulbous blue eyes and general stupid face that is Tobey McGuire? Can it be that a Spiderman 4 is currently in the works? How could anything ever redeem the idiocy of Spiderman 3? And the unforgivable underachievement of the first two Spiderman films? VOMIT.

Maybe Iron Man can rocket in and incinerate his ass. I can dream.


Blogger Flushy McBucketpants said...

spider-man 1 was pretty good. a bit cornball at times. the scene where the goblin talks to himself is pretty bad. but in all, they did a decent job with it. the 2nd edition was roughly the same. the 3rd was horrifyingly bad, and in conjunction with X-Men 3, should have killed Marvel Comics movies.

My only major problem with Iron Man was the final battle sequence which was boooooooooring, cheesy, and stupid. Someone needs to come-up with a twist on the blow-out fist fight ending.

1:19 AM  
Blogger Shiny said...

Ya, I have to agree about the "climactic fight scene" -- because they never really are these days. Not that I have any suggestions.

I just realized that my vow to stay on the sunnyside was broken within one day by the posting of this rant. What I meant to say was, "Doesn't viewing Spiderman 1, 2, and 3 remind you of how awesome Iron Man is?"

10:37 PM  
Blogger ymathew said...

i even liked spiderman 2, i liked dr. octagon or whatever shit he's named. but 3? flatface kristen dunst + weak chin macguire? hate. i do like james franco though, how adorable/smoking hot.

11:26 AM  
Blogger Flushy McBucketpants said...

Spider-Man 3's best scene was the dance number at the bar. It's a shame it was completely out of place.

James Franco for you:

8:40 PM  

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