Saturday, September 08, 2007

My Boyfriend Is Kind of an Asshole

Sure, he looks good. Don't they all in some fashion? I mean, I bet even that Tron guy scores now that he has an actual fan base. Also, have you see that leotard? Hello, moose knuckles.

This gentleman is Kurgan. I share him with my sister. Don't get a boner just yet. Neither of us have ever met him; I doubt we ever will. And, let's face it, the Clancy Brown of olde no longer exists. He's not doing too bad, though. And he's staying consistent, playing assholes to this day. But this Kurgan, this guy was a real dick. You can tell by his fancy hat. Even though we were not supposed to root for him, my sister and I did it anyway. Because what do girls like? We like bad boys. Preferably in snazzy hats. With a hat like that, it is no wonder that all you want to do is kill, kill, kill. And he did, with relish.

My photo search informed me of two things: 1.) There are a lot of pervs out there all wanting a chunk of Kurgan's ass of their own to kiss, chew, or lacquer with finger paints. 2.) There are a lot of guys who think they look like Kurgan. Or, worse, girlfriends who think their guys look like Kurgan. Sure you do, sugar britches. In fact, most bald guys look like Kurgan. My sister and I probably won't maul you on the street, but good luck to you, nonetheless. Clancy, on the other hand, should watch his back.

Another boyfriend with asshole tendencies...Arnie. He has real nice boobies. Do you think Alyssa Milano had to fight every impulse in her body not to look directly to her right? A lot? Even just to sneak a peek? I've never seen a better rack on a man.

You don't have to be a mean-spirited jerkwad shanking every Benetton spokesmodel in the neck to be an asshole. You can also be the Tool variety. What makes a person a Tool? So many things, but there's an undercurrent of delusional lameness running though all of it. Tool behavior might include a glut of cheesy one-liners (Commando is a treasure trove of unparalleled dorkery), or groping a Hawaiian Tropics runner up and expecting her to be grateful (while hamming it up for the camera), and perhaps even doing a movie where you pretend to be pregnant when maybe you should just learn to embrace your inner meathead and commit to the parts that you are loved for: half-naked killer soldiers from the future or alternate-universe present. K? Nice rack, though.

Then you have this boyfriend: God, what an asshole. Your friends hate him, your moms hates him, even your cat hates him and tries to pee on his head. He's Stanley the Manly, the one that hits with love. I admit, the first time I saw this photo I about fell out of my chair. I think I was thirteen, the absolute worst age in life as it is drenched in hormones and hysteria and life will just never, ever be good (incoherent screaming, etc.). So, you see this picture and you think: smooth skin, muscled arms, pouty lips, cruel eyes, cheap shirt, messy hair, raw sexuality, brutal, impulsive, rough, gimme gimme gimme. Don't lie, girl. You know it is true.

But he is an asshole. Just ask the DuBois sisters, though the wife does fall for the old "Screaming at the Foot of the Stairs because I Just Can't Live without You, Baby" routine. Don't we all at some point, though? This one tops the asshole charts for the obvious reasons; he even out-assholes Kurgan who, while a cuckoo thrill killer, at least never misportrays himself as a loving husband. Stanley Kowalski is as nice as candy until he's got you pinned to the wall with a bloody lip and a hot cotton concussion forming from the smack to the back of your head. Hot.

This lovely young woman is named Nick Rhodes. He is an asshole because he never called me. I mean, what the fuck?

Look, I realize that we all have tendencies. I tend to snack and crack wise at the television. Do the TV people hear me? Yes? I don't know. I do know that I caught seven shades of hell for crushing on this fellow and all because he was a little womany.

He's not an asshole because he is womany. We can even forgive him for that skinny tie. We may not be able to let his wedding photos slide. What groom goes this far to show up the bride? Tails? A top hat? Twelve layers of Max Factor? That pushes you into Tool territory, Nicky.

By the way, the bride was a model and is related to Sue Ellen Ewing from Dallas. She's gorgeous, right? He divorced her. And he still hasn't called. What up, bitch? I forgive you, though. Especially if you give me a hollah at the foot of my stairway.


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