Thursday, September 06, 2007

Yes, I am Watching You Eat

I have a complex.

Please insert a manageable amount of food.

Please chew with your mouth closed.

No talking while chewing.

You are not a cow. That is not a cud.

Smacking and wet smloching sounds are prohibited.

Milk mustaches or visible milky products in or around the mouth will make me vomit on your head.

Sharing of wet food from the same spoon will make me vomit on your head.

If anything falls out, I will kill you.

If you are a child, you are sitting at the wrong table. You need to go to the card table. In the corner. Away from me.


Blogger Adairdevil said...


I have found that unlike with other elements of manners, it is not possible to hint to transgressors of the social code to shut their mouths while chewing. There is no way to pointedly, emphatically keep one's mouth closed while chewing and thus shame the other party. They are oblivious to the distress they inflect, no matter how loud they are, no matter if food actually spills out. Clearly, the only thing that will help is for you to form and lead a Chicken Justice Squad. Please send me a prospectus by Wednesday morning.

12:28 AM  
Blogger Adairdevil said...

I meant inflict, dammit.

12:28 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Shiny and I love you Adairdevil. You are a kindred spirit. Chicken Justice Squad. What a brilliant idea! Shiny's Mommy

9:56 AM  
Blogger Shiny said...

They shall know our wrath. We shall rise from the shadows, cattle prods in hand. A refreshing ZOT to the gnashers and the smackmouths.

6:54 PM  

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